I am not a short-order cook.
Once in a rare while I generously snap out of my bad mood and offer to do something nice for my family. Today, since Ali was working from home, I decided to make him lunch before I headed to work.
Me: “Do you want me to make you a turkey sandwich?”
Ali: “Ummmm….”
2 minutes elapse. I roll my eyes.
Me: “It’s not a life altering decision you know. It’s a sandwich. Yes or no?”
Ali: “I guess so. But only if you put hummus in it.”
I refrain from asking when I DON’T put hummus in his sandwich. I roll my eyes again.
Me: “Do you want one or two?”
Ali: “One or two what?”
I grit my teeth.
Me: “Sandwiches!”
Ali: “One and a half.”
I somehow stop myself from mentioning that 1.5 sandwiches will put the entire loaf of bread at an odd number, thereby making future sandwiches a challenge. I quiet an impending panic attack.
Me: “What do you want on the side?”
Another 2 minutes elapse. The rage I feel inside? There are no words to describe it.
Me: “Frickin’ A! I’m not sure if you know this or not, but making you a sandwich isn’t the only thing I have to do today!”
Ali: “What are my options?”
Me: “Options? Holy s@#$, seriously?”
A turkey sandwich with a side of "I'm going to smack you upside the head if you ask me another ridiculous question."
It’s a miracle really that I refrained…from everything. From stating that I’m not a short-order cook. From throwing a bag of Doritos over his head. From running away and finding a husband who can appreciate the simple gesture of a turkey sandwich.
Anymore questions as to why I don’t offer to do nice things for my family very often?
I didn’t think so.
While I'm not going to win Mother/Wife of the Year Award anytime soon, I haven't killed anyone yet or shot myself in the head. And that, my friends, is how I calculate success these days. 
FANCY THAT FANCY THIS 
Oh goodness, I’d be grinding my teeth if that happened to me! It was very nice of you to make Ali 1.5 sandwiches and to give him healthy sides, especially without going crazy. I’m guessing you like things to be efficient – I’m the exact same way! If a task takes three times as long as it’s supposed to, that’s when I start grinding my teeth.
Also, when I read the part in your previous post about how you went to the grocery store for laundry detergent and bought anything but, I had to laugh! I’ve definitely done it, especially when I go to Whole Foods.
I hope today is a better day, Ameena!
It was so nice of you to take care of all of your hubby’s sandwich needs. Maybe in a few months you’ll offer to do it again LOL.
haha – you’re funny. This is why I don’t ask, I just do it. If he doesn’t like it, oh well – you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.
Ha ha ha. That’s when you walk away. If he’s hungry enough he’ll make his own. 🙂
Or starve for hours and then eat a packet of cookies. That’s what mine does.
Sometimes moms just amaze me. Because that’s what my mom does mid-meal when we’re eating like a family. My dad or brother will request something (in the middle of the freakin’ meal) and my mom will go do it. Maybe it’s just the fact that I’ve been living by myself for so long, but I look at them with wide eyes and go “are you kidding me? go get the damn ketchup yourself. You’re actually closer to the refrigerator than she is. What are you thinking?” It makes no sense to me. Silly boys.
This is why I don’t offer to make my husband food.I figure he can operate the microwave just fine himself. You’re a better wife and kudos for not smacking Ali. I often want to smack my husband when he’s says “We don’t have any X” and I say “yes we do” and he responds “No we don’t, I looked for it” and it’s RIGHT in front of his face.
I loved the OCD comment about even number of slices in the bread inventory.
Quote of the week…”It’s miraculous that I refrained.” That is my mantra for today!
Sheesh! I’ve seen this happen between my mother and father way too often- it’s a wonder that hospitals aren’t filled daily (at lunchtime) with poisoned, oblivious men! I applaud you for keeping your cool!
I’m not kidding, I have tears in my eyes from laughing. Are you sure you’re not married to my husband? Down to the one and a half sandwiches.
Hahaha oh Ameena!! This is why I don’t offer to do things for anyone. Sometimes, when I cook for my boyfriend (which is rare) I put things in the dish he doesn’t like – like onions or tomatoes – and tell him to suck it up and eat them because they cost me money.
I’m mean I know.
That was so typical of guys. I think I would put a picture of an iPhone on the side. Very cute post – I could picture the 2 of you talking like that! Hope he said “Thank You”?
I don’t think I got a thank you when Maya was born, nevermind a thank you for making him lunch!
So true and funny… Gosh we spoil those man way too much even if it is only once in a while. Mine has been coming home for lunch lately and wonders why it is not ready…. and in reality dom’t try to have a conversation with a huband while working it is like talking to the wall…. I’m surprised that he didn’t say “I said cheese sandwitch” when you gave it to him
I always get
and I quote:
OH, I don’t know….
and than that long, forever, pause.
I just chuck stuff at him. if he complains (and he knows better not too) he gets a corn dog. FROZEN.
oh eye rolling, I love thee!
when do you start working at subway? (half kidding)
the “half” thing would have killed me! I’d be threatening divorce with that. But since he does save you in times of technical trouble, i just think next time you should start charging and include a tax and 100% gratuity.
Ah, such a classic man move! Good for you for being so sweet 🙂
lol. 1.5 sandwiches, very picky. you could have also made him a triple decker sandwich and it would have been the same as 1.5, but that still leaves an odd number of bread slices…oh well.
so where was maya in all this?
Oh Maya? She was complaining in the background about how she didn’t want a turkey sandwich in her lunch box. It really was a fabulous morning!
but aren’t all moms/wives short order cooks?! hahah. i am going to be so cursed later in life for doing that to my mom when i was younger.
The uneven bread comment is hilarious! It’s so true too! Hopefully he’ll be wanting another 1 1/2 (not made by you of course) to even it out or else it will surely push you over the edge.
lol! i can soooo relate, especially with the pauses. kudos to you for even finishing the sandwich. i think i would’ve walked away at “one and a half”. oh the joys of married life. next time he gets you a glass of water or tea (if you’re lucky, mine only goes to the extent of getting water), you should ask for one and a half glasses…teehee. i’m going to try that next time with pauses and all. if you can’t beat em, join em 😉
I love that…I’m totally going to ask for 1.5 glasses of water. But I’ll have to wait for Ali to ask me if I want a glass of water. So basically, this may never happen.
You have much to learn youngling. “Like it or lump it, buddy,” you say as you hand him whatever the heck you felt like making him.
I don’t even know what that means, but it works around here!
OMG I can absolutely relate to this. The other day Mike was playing some stupid ancient assain video game and I made the mistake of asking him how his day was. I waited a full 2 minutes before he finally said “oh hi honey…did you say something?” No…nothing at all. Aaaahhhh!
Geez, you try to do something nice for someone and that’s the thanks you get ; )
This totally reminds me of something my grandma told me. She said once you show a man you can do something for him once, you’ve got yourself a new job. I actually think this goes for anyone in life, male or not, but hey that’s just me.
Have a good Thursday!
Clearly no good deed goes unpunished.
I barely ever offer to make things for Ryan. But when I do, he manages to drive me insane with requests for ketchup, the ketchup bottle, mustard, the other mustard, a few more seconds in the microwave … arrgh!!
Ah…The frustrations of making a simple sandwich lunch. hahaha… What would they do without you? 🙂
Hahah, I love the tag on this one…”i nearly divorced my husband over a turkey sandwich”
Ok, I don’t mean to laugh at your frustration, but I am dieing laughing right now! I have been in this same conversation one too many times with my husband. It is so painful and leaves me praying for patience before I kill him.
Classic story! This was just what I needed today, thank you. And I don’t mean to sound sexist (or maybe I do), but I think Ali was showing symptoms of the typical male. Of course he wouldn’t know what his options are, and of course a half-sandwich would never appear to be an issue. At least you didn’t have to play that game with Maya after Ali…I would fear for the entire family at that point.
LOL. I try not to get annoyed with that 2 minute waiting period. It’s usually that I lose and the laptop wins. However, I’ll say you are very patient. I wait about 7 second. Then I ask it again. (nicely, I hope…after all I am trying to be nice and helpful right?). It’s always the laptop! 🙂 ah marital blisssssss ❤
PS I forgot to mention that this morning, I made Derek 1.5 breakfast sandwiches because there were precisely 3 pieces of english bacon to use up. BTW Derek reads your blog and LOVES it! (I wonder if he’ll defend himself here and we’ll have a huge row in your comments section! Kidding!)
I can’t wait to meet you hubby…Derek, if you do read this, your wife rocks!
What’s to defend? No row, but I have to say I can totally relate to Ali’s hmmm comments, absolutely priceless. I’m looking forward to meeting you both very much.
I am cracking up because I am so much like Ali. Andy probably wants to throw bags of Doritos at me.
Wow, you are so spoilt. Your husband asks you for a sandwich and it throws you in a tizzy….no, no,no let me get it straight. YOU ask your husband if he wants a sandwich and when he says yes, it throws you in a tizzy. You are most definitely an exemplary wife ::rolling my eyes::
I mean, how much effort does it take to make your husband a sandwich. If you can’t even do that for each other, you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
You are absolutely right! We shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Note any sarcasm?? The same sarcasm I use when writing my posts??
Now I’m confused – you mean to say there’s sarcasm in your posts?…Ugh, I fear I’ve misunderstood everything, and will need to re-read all your posts 😦
Learn how to spell. That is all.
and what’s wrong with my spelling?
Thank you, Sahiya, I’ve been waiting for someone to say something like this so I can quote it to use against MY significant other.
Me: “I’m hungry. Make me a sandwich.”
Him: “I have work to do. Make your own sandwich.”
Me: “How much effort would it take for you to make me a sandwich? If you can’t even do that for me, you shouldn’t have moved in with me!”
Him: “So…you want to be with me so I can make you sandwiches?”
Me: “Our love is a lie.”
Tamara…you are awesome. Thank you for this!!
I’m surprised he didn’t ask for the crusts to be cut off his sandwich. The hubster is also UBER picky with lunch. Which is why I never make him any 🙂
I drew the line at cutting the crusts off…I won’t even do it for Maya!
Holy #$@# This is the best post I have read in a while! Totally cracked me. I can’t even help ya frd coz I can’t say I’ll give u mine. He’s even worse. LOL!
]
Mine would say : y there isn’t enough ketchup”
Me : Coz Ketchup is kids thing
Husband: But I like ketchup. I want ketchup.
Me : Alright go get it!
Husband: mmm Ok Its fine without it!
Ha! So, so, so good! Especially this:
“1.5 sandwiches will put the entire loaf of bread at an odd number”
YES! And that’s the nightmare of every number OCD person running around out there! (Me? Ummmm …)
I LOVED THIS POST! Does your husband read your blog, btw?
He does read my blog! So far he hasn’t gotten too angry about anything I’ve written. So far….
Hahaha my boyfriend does EXACTLY the same thing!!! He makes me want to pull my hair out!!! I usually give up on asking him what he wants and just make the dish anyways. If he doesn’t like it, he can make his own food!
I’ve stopped giving Marcus so many options because…
A. I forget that he doesn’t have an itemized mental inventory of our pantry.
B. He doesn’t have thousands of half-read recipes floating around in his head.
C. He comes home and melts some cheese on a tortilla and rolls it up with salsa for a snack.
When it comes to lunch, it’s my job to do the thinking, facilitation of faux dialogue/discussion of what could be consumed, and then the actual actioning of the dish.
hehehe-all men are the same!
i ask my husband the same thing over and over again and he blocks me out like it’s no one’s business. sometimes, i intentionally don’t make dinner so we can go out and he still says oh we’ll just eat sandwiches or make something quick. he’s clueless, unless i throw a hissy fit. hehehe
The best part of this post is the tag, “I nearly divorced my husband over a turkey sandwich.” I used to love being a doting wife and thought a good way to express my love was by making food for my husband. I no longer think this way. Now, if I make his lunch, it’s like, “Hey, I’m making you a peanut butter and jelly. There are no other options.”
I can’t tell you how many times this has happened with me. I made chicken teriyaki for my dad this weekend. He proceeded to eat his bowl before the rest of the family was ready. When the rest of us came to the table, I passed around a homemade teriyaki sauce. “Gosh”, he said, “No wonder it tasted so dry”. Argh!!!
Um, oh my gawd…my husband sounds just like yours. I roll my eyes a lot during those times. Lately, I’ve just been stating what is being served for lunch. He can take it or leave it. Kind of like what I do for the kids 😉
You are hilarious at storytelling!
Wow, your husband sounds like my brother. Men. Totally useless. lol.
Having an odd number of bread slices would drive me up a wall as well. You’re gonna have to hope that he has another hankering for a half sandwich sometime in the near future. Or try to pawn one off on Maya.
We had a similar thing happen here when my roommate called up her boyfriend who had just gotten back from class and asked if he was hungry and wanted sandwiches. He said he was. She thought he was going to come down to our apartment and so she made him the sandwich. He ended up not coming over because she hadn’t explicitly said she would make him the sandwich and he was “too tired” to make it himself. needless to say. we were enraged.
The best part of this all is that I was reading this story and getting just as frustrated in my head because I have been in this situation before…and go figure, it was with a man.
Anyway, I gave you a blog award because apparently it’s the new thing in the cyberworld. so, voila:
http://sincerely-lauren.blogspot.com/2010/10/versatile-blog-award.html
LOL, your hubby must be a mama’s boy, just like mine. I have to give him options too, I call it “le menu” 😀 and I have to go through it with him. What giant babies we have!
*kisses* HH
It’s so comforting to know that other people have conversations like that too!!
My boyfriend does the same thing. He’ll be obviously hungry so I’ll say, “I’ll make you lunch,” and he immediately perks up. But then I ask, “What do you want?” Silence. “A sandwich? Pasta? Something else?” “Um…uh…I don’t know! Leave me alone!” And then he hides.
It’s aggravating, but I know why he does it. He wants food, but he doesn’t want me to go through the trouble of making it, because then I can hold it over his head later. So say he asks for something labor-intensive, then in a few hours I don’t feel like doing the dishes or taking out the trash. Or he gets upset and wants to grumble, but I don’t feel like listening. Then I can say, “After I put so much effort into feeding you, too!” and automatically win.
LMAO! This is hilarious and also happens in my own home. I end up walking away before I do something hasty 😉
I would be lying if I said that this has never happened to me. Except that I have resorted to punching.
this is so funny.. my husband takes forever to decided whenever i ask him what he wants to eat…so i stop asking and just cook whatever is easy.
the tags! the captions! the hummus! i so heart you. that is all! 🙂
Hi Ameena– HA! That’s so funny. I would’ve been less patient that you… I probably would’ve thrown the bread at the one-and-a-half sandwiches thing. 🙂
Hilarious! I really am laughing right now, Ameena. You’re too funny. That all being said, don’t feel too annoyed. Your life is no different from mine-probably everyone’s. Reading this was like thinking of every single day with my Cauldron Boy…
Oh, and he constantly says stuff he doesn’t mean. Like ‘no, I don’t need a sandiwch’. I’ll walk off and from a distance I hear him say ‘Hey, you’re not going to make me a sandwich?’. Grr….!
your family is HILARIOUS. hey, at least they always give you stuff to write about for your blog, huh? 😛
This is freaking hilarious. Totally sounds like a conversation between me and my younger brother (well, just starting college)– who I still see as my “little” brother and who I try to take care of if I have an extra minute on the wknd.
For the life of me I don’t know how some men would live without women. How do they make their own meal decisions when they cannot even tell us what they want? Jack In the Box is usually the most valid option. Or some other rando fast food place.
haha this is classic! it probably was not funny for you at that moment but thank you for sharing this!
Aww, you’re a great wife for offering to make the sammie in the first place. Hehe, my stepmother never makes food for my dad unless she’s making dinner for both of them.
And hummus jacks up any sandwich up several levels.
Lol! How many people choose 1.5 sandwiches?? I’m using that as my answer the next time someone asks me how much of something I want. Pancakes? 1.5. Cookies? 1.5. Apples? 1.5.
Not that anyone ever asks me.. but I’m prepared in case they do. They’ll probably never ask me again.
One and a half sandwiches? I didn’t know that that was an option.
Lol.
When it comes to Jon and making stuff for him, if he doesn’t answer in a timely fashion, I do whatever I think is good, and if he doesn’t like it, he can go fix it himself.
Hahaha, I feel your pain! I feel like I have lived this conversation one too many times. I still think you’re nice!
Ohhhhh, I don’t think I could have been bothered to finish the sandwich…, I’d have just gone to work…., without a goodbye.
But then, that’s the sort of gal I am…., kudos to you for gritting your teeth and following through with being so charming.
I think it’s sweet you made him a sandwich 🙂 I’d be too lazy to. Props for having just a tad more patience than me!
I just have to say, there is no point to a sandwich without hummus. Unless it’s a PB&J.
i could totally relate this post to mum and dad, ha ha 1.5 sandwich seriously i don’t think i would do as much as you did 🙂
“1.5 sandwiches will put the entire loaf of bread at an odd number, thereby making future sandwiches a challenge”
a very very good point
love it
lol
I so know the feeling…but way funny to read it in words from somebody else 😉
I must say, ducking my head now, I do like the idea of hummus on a sandwich…
oh man, i am on the floor…this is truly hysterical….all of it….ali’s random requests and your impatience….too funny for words, great post!
Its the same in my house..down the eye rolling!!! I asked would he like a ham and pickle s’wch other day as i was making me one. yeah tha’td be nice……..oh and a cuppa …and make mine tomato…sliced thinly..I don’t like how you cut the tomato so thick…….and salt ..last time I couldn’t taste the salt…. pepper ….and just a smidin of vinegar sprinkled over the top……
urgh
bah!!!
he he he he 😀
i love your thoughts and responses more 😀 your choice of words, haha, fantastic.
i learned one lesson from my cousin aunt-in-law: don’t ask husband what he’d like to eat, just keep the food in front of him. even if they get fussy, chances are they’ll most probably still eat it.
at least i can tell i tried on Alok (my husband) and it works 😀
Good advice from your cousin aunt-in-law. Although I am mentally drawing out a family tree right now… 🙂
Hehe, I know what you mean. Relations in Hindi are a little complicated to explain in English; that’s the best I could figure out 😛
This is why I love your blog!!!!
Is there even anything more that needs to be said?
Thank you Willgoh! I always love your comments. 🙂
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