I Don’t Belong Here
As is almost always the case, I am going through severe vacation withdrawal right now. I am not really sure if this is due to the fact that Maya seems to think we are STILL on vacation and asks me, “What should I do now Mama?” every 5 seconds, or if it’s due to the fact that every time I return to Los Angeles I realize again how much I really don’t like living here.
Blasphemous, right? I mean, how can anyone in their right mind possibly hate Los Angeles – a city known for perfect weather and beautiful people? Well, allow me to list just a few of the negatives of living here:
- Skanky girls are a dime a dozen. I was hanging out at Coupa Cafe with my brother last night and we saw girl after girl attempting to emulate Dita Von Teese, except they were walking down Canon instead of performing at a burlesque show. Why is it that a good half of the girls out here find it so difficult to put on clothes?
- The traffic bites. Factor in an hour to go pretty much anywhere and you’ll find it is much easier to stay at home.
- Parking bites even more. It is nearly impossible to get around valet parking your car in this city – this includes having to valet at my doctor’s office, shopping malls (unless you want to drive around aimlessly for 30 minutes), and of course 99% of the restaurants here only offer valet. This is a HUGE problem when my husband refuses to let anyone else drive his car.
Battling the 405 Freeway is the worst part of living in Los Angeles. Source: Wikimedia Commons/Downtowngal
- There are strange/creepy people everywhere. Just five minutes into the script analysis class I took at CBS yesterday, a guy who knew I was married with a child asked me out, and an obviously stoned lady told me she was attending the class to learn how to “spend less money.”
- The Beverly Hills plastic surgery clichés are in full force. In addition to having coffee next to a girl with a freshly bandaged nose, I had the pleasure of dining at Porta Via last night while listening to two ladies compare notes on surgeons as they attempted to chew and swallow without breaking their botoxed faces. (Note: I have no problem with people getting plastic surgery if they want it, I just have a problem with the whole cliché of them sitting in Beverly Hills chatting about it like they are discussing the weather.)
I am a conservative person in a sea of liberals. I am a brunette in a sea of blondes. I am a slightly less shallow person in an ocean of fake people. I was born on the East Coast and I belong on the East Coast. Now all I need to do is convince my husband that he doesn’t belong here either so we can finally move out of this city.
Any ideas how to do this?
Saying Goodbye
I am the type of person who cannot keep things around if they are old, outgrown, broken, damaged, or in any way rendered useless.
- Example A: The day after Maya outgrew her crib, I gave it away to a co-worker and stared blankly at Ali when he asked why I didn’t want to keep the crib for memories. Ummm, I listened to my child scream nonstop for a year…I am pretty sure I’ll never, ever forget that.
- Example B: When I realized that no amount of praying and/or crying was going to get me back into the size 0 Banana Republic pants I wore regularly prior to my daughter ruining my metabolism, I gave them to the Salvation Army. I still miss those pants but there was no need to torture myself by seeing what could have been, every time I opened my closet.
I believe Ali and Maya are slightly worried they too might find themselves discarded one day. I really want to reassure them that won’t happen but I refuse to lie, just to put their minds at ease.
Anyway, as someone who has no trouble moving on I surprised myself this past week by actually getting sentimental about saying goodbye to several things.
1. We said goodbye to Maya’s preschool after 4 + years. Who knew I’d be sad to take home her box cubby, several stuffed animals, her giant notebook, assorted loose leaf papers (she has pack rat tendencies like her father), and a very old, bacteria-ridden toothbrush?
The benefit of saying goodbye to Maya's school? Saying goodbye the check we have to write them every month!
2. We said goodbye to all the really amazing museums DC has to offer. I wasn’t sure I would actually find the motivation to drag Maya to one museum, nevermind 6 in 3 days! I am reveling in the realization that I actually CAN handle culture, and my daughter can too.
The National Gallery of Art - I know next to nothing about sculpture but Maya and I agreed this was one of the coolest things we'd ever seen.
3. I said goodbye to the most shallow bunch of reality stars on television. Yes, I was so bored on the flight to DC that I watched a marathon of MTV’s The Hills. Honestly, I’m really not that torn up that the show has ended as I stopped watching it a long time ago, but I am a bit bitter that it appears none of these girls have had to give up their size 0 Banana Republic pants.
Am I the only one who thinks there is something slightly off about Audrina? I can't put my finger on it...
4. Maya and I said a quick hello and then a quick goodbye to some new friends. We met up with Sophia, Adam, and Danielle for lunch at Le Pain Quotodien on Tuesday…
Photo Credit: Maya Din
And then Estela, Tracey, and Marin for lunch at Zaytinya on Wednesday…
Photo Credit: Maya Din
Maya's temporary BFF Marin...hopefully Marin can forgive Maya for trying to force feed her!
Thank you again all for taking the time to meet up with Maya and I. It was great getting to know you better!
5. Even Ali also had some trouble with goodbyes. First he had to bid farewell to all of the new and nerdy Microsoft buddies he met in DC, and then he had to say goodbye to a little piece of tech heaven.
Who knew that Ali's heaven was housed at Dulles airport?
But of all the painful things that I had to say goodbye to these past 7 days, I am most sad about saying goodbye to my freedom for the next two weeks. Yes, Maya is off from school and my new full-time job will be to entertain her all day, every day for the next 14 days.
Seriously, I am about to start crying.
A Shade Shadier
We landed in Washington D.C. yesterday and for the first time in more than a year we actually brought Maya with us on vacation. Yes Ali and I travel all the time and no we never bring our child with us. Let me count the ways I am a bad parent…
Sorry, I ran out of fingers.
Anyway, it goes without saying that I am learning a little more about my family than I wanted to. I mean, what better time to learn about another person’s “quirks” than when you are on vacation?
For instance, I had no idea that Maya was so utterly unimpressed by some things…
“I don’t care about the big elephant. Can we go get some chips now?”
And yet so impressed by others.
“So dad’s iPhone games work in Los Angeles AND Washington DC? Neat.”
I also had no idea that Ali, the master of all things technology-related, wouldn’t be able to take a photo of the Lincoln Memorial with me in it.
And yet he managed to make our hotel room a miniature replica of the cable-ridden mess we call our living room.
I learned a few things about Abby Cadabby as well. Did you know that Abby is allergic to pork, ham, bacon, raisins, sparkling water, and exercise?
Me neither. She sounds a bit high-maintenance to be honest.
And who knew that Maya would be more interested in playing with the pool noodles than she would be in going on a tour of the Capitol Building?
No judgement here as I kind of was too actually.
Finally….who knew that Ali would take off to a spur-of-the-moment “Microsoft meeting” halfway through our Capitol Building tour?
That Ali…he’s shadier than I gave him credit for.
While I'm not going to win Mother/Wife of the Year Award anytime soon, I haven't killed anyone yet or shot myself in the head. And that, my friends, is how I calculate success these days. 
FANCY THAT FANCY THIS 
