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the onion

February 22, 2018

Today I asked my husband to buy an onion.

Ali: Where should I get the onion from?

Me: The cart guy on the corner sells onions.

Ali: It’s raining, do you think he’s out there?

Me: He was there earlier, when I came back from work.

Ali: Can I get the onion from Duane Reade?

Me: Why would you get the onion from Duane Reade? Do they even sell onions? Can you not walk 5 steps to the cart guy?

Ali: What kind of onion? White or red?

Me: Get a yellow onion.

Ali: YELLOW? They sell YELLOW onions?

Me: I REFUSE to answer any more questions about this. Just don’t come back without an onion.

Guess what?

  1. Ali came back with a bag of 7 onions.
  2. They are all white.
  3. He also came back with the bag of 7 onions in ANOTHER plastic bag, which is just excellent for the environment.
  4. The bag was totally wet from the rain so it’s not reusable.

So now I have 7 onions, a plastic bag that can’t be reused, and my blood pressure just shot up 15 points.

In conclusion, my husband has a problem following instructions and I have a problem micromanaging. And now we have enough onions to last us the next month.


an addition

July 12, 2017

My husband returned from a 2+ week trip a few days ago, bringing with him 15 pairs of dirty socks and an Echo Show.

Yes, we have a new member of the household, and her name is Alexa.


  • I like her name.


  • Alexa doesn’t understand anything I say.
  • Alexa doesn’t understand anything Ali says.
  • Alexa can’t do anything useful.
  • Alexa knows less than Siri.
  • Alexa knows even less than Kortana. (Ali will be especially upset at this bullet point as he has an affinity for Kortana. I think he feels sorry for her.)
  • I feel like Alexa is constantly watching me.
  • I have to hear Ali and Maya yelling “Alexa!” at the top of their lungs every few minutes, as though she’s 97-years-old and has a hearing problem.
  • Alexa is taking up valuable counter space.
  • The box Alexa arrived in is still in the middle of the floor. I trip over it daily.

I begged Ali to return her.

Me: “Please stop cluttering our apartment with useless stuff. Please.”

Ali’s response?Alexa! Play upbeat orchestra music.”

Alexa: “Sorry, I don’t understand that.”

Well at least Alexa and I have one thing in common: neither of us understand my husband.

celery stalks on the floor

May 31, 2017

Last Night @ 9:00 pm: My husband went to the freezer, removed a Trader Joe’s molten lava cake, popped it into the microwave, removed it from the microwave, settled himself on the sofa, and devoured 370 calories and 25 grams of sugar (I checked the back of the box) in about 90 seconds.

Last Night @ 9:20 pm: My husband went to the fridge, removed three stalks of Trader Joe’s organic celery, settled himself on the sofa, and devoured 5 calories and 0 grams of sugar (an estimate).

This Morning @ 3:15 am: I walked into the kitchen, noticed a wayward celery stalk on the floor near the trash can, became anxious that it may have attracted cockroaches, imagined an overnight cockroach feeding frenzy (I FEAR cockroaches and like to imagine worst case scenarios at all times), and then by sheer will decided not to pick it up, just to see if Ali or Maya would.

This Morning @ 6:38 am: Maya walked into the kitchen, stepped over the celery stalk, poured herself an enormous bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (I’ll let you guess who facilitated the purchase of this healthy breakfast choice), stepped back over the celery stalk and proceeded to the dining table.

This Morning @ 7:02 am: Ali walked into the kitchen, stepped over the celery stalk, made himself tea and a giant bowl of oatmeal with raspberries, flaxseed, and approximately 8 tablespoons of brown sugar, stepped back over the celery stalk and proceeded to the dining table.

This Morning @ 7:55 am: Ali and Maya left for school, celery stalk still on the floor.

This Morning @ 8:02 am: I wondered why I was surprised Ali and Maya didn’t notice the giant green vegetable on the floor, threw the celery stalk in the trash, and left for work.

This Morning @ 8:03 am: I concluded that I live with two lazy, bug-welcoming, sugar-obsessed, potentially nearsighted individuals, who care little about having a clean kitchen, me, or really anything but themselves.

On the plus side I didn’t have to drop Maya to school. So victory?


he moved his towel

April 21, 2017

Last week Ali stopped using our bathroom and started using Maya’s.

I chalked this up to her being away at camp.

But then Maya came home and Ali continued to use her bathroom.

I waited for Maya to freak out.

But she didn’t say a word. Not even when Ali hung his towel in her bathroom.

I obviously had questions. Lots of them. (I always do).

But I didn’t ask any of these questions, because I was too busy blow drying my hair in front of a proper mirror, with NO interruptions.

Yesterday Maya casually mentioned that Ali is paying her $5 / a week to use her bathroom. And that it could have been $6 but that she agreed to $5 so that she didn’t have to send a weekly invoice.

I’m sorry but WHAT?

I am mystified. I mean this is wrong on so many levels…and I really should do something about it.

But the truth is that having my own bathroom again is so much better than having answers.

So whatever. I’m going to sit back and enjoy better hair as I see how long their arrangement lasts.


it’s been a while

March 10, 2017

It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about blogging, mostly because things have been difficult.

To say the least.

And for so many reasons I’ve started to wonder: is there really any point dwelling on the little things?

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, is it productive to complain about Maya’s inability to utilize a fork or a placemat, thereby ensuring crumbs are all over the dining table and floor?

(I feel them under my feet RIGHT NOW).

Or what about Ali’s predisposition for buying loose leaf tea in quantities fit for a small village? Or the fact that I encountered (and almost slipped on) yet ANOTHER pair of his socks on the floor this morning?

And since I was on a roll with the self-inflection, I also wondered: should I be publishing this information for the world to see? Or more importantly, does the world really care when there’s so much more important stuff going on right now?

I think we all know the answer to that.

Still…I’m hesitant to call it a day just yet. So maybe – for once – I’ll just play it by ear and see how it goes…




October 13, 2016

We went to lunch on Sunday.

I ordered crab cakes, which were delicious, except that they arrived in a pool of mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise makes me nauseous.

I ate the non-infected top of one crab cake and asked for a second replacement crab cake (sans mayonnaise) to go.


Random picture … BEFORE the crab cake debacle.

I sent my precious take away box home with Ali and Maya so I could check out the Friends and Family sale at Bloomingdale’s.

While purchasing these shoes I contemplated texting Ali to make sure he put the leftovers in the fridge.

But then I told myself I needed to stop being so controlling.

I told myself that even my husband would recognize the necessity of food safety, especially when it came to seafood.


And another.

I got home a few hours later and nearly tripped over my takeout container, which was sitting 2 inches from the front door.

I suppressed many swear words and threw my perfect, no-mayo crab cake in the trash.

I opened the fridge and noticed that Ali’s Magnolia banana pudding – which he’d apparently purchased on his way home – was front and center and properly refrigerated.

I didn’t speak to Ali for hours.


Maya has braces!

The takeaway: I need to do EVERYTHING myself. And that now includes ensuring proper refrigeration.


September 14, 2016

Maya got her braces today. But don’t worry, this isn’t a post about that!

(This also isn’t a post about the fact that I could buy a first class around-the-world ticket for the price of Maya’s braces. I’ll save that for another day.)


A trip to Toronto….pre-braces but smack in the middle of my fractured foot.

No, this post highlights the text exchange that occurred between my husband and I, while he was at Maya’s appointment.

Ali: “The orthodontist asked me to wait outside.”

Me: “Maybe you’re making him nervous?”

Ali: “No way. I only focus my energy to agitate you and nobody else.”

Me: “Well at least you give it your all.”

Ali: “Absolutely. This is the one thing I don’t half ass.”


I hobbled with my broken foot to take this picture near the CN Tower. Just couldn’t find the energy to go any further.

The takeaway: My husband admittedly have asses everything except when it comes to agitating me. At which point he gives 110%.

So while this isn’t the most interesting thing that’s happened since my last post over a month ago (Highlights – a broken foot, a trip to Toronto, Maya and Ali buying a pull up mechanism that attractively hangs over the door frame) it certainly is the most enlightening.

And probably the most hilarious.



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