made to order shoes
“You need more shoes like a hole in the head. So no, you cannot order them.”
This was in response to Maya’s request that I order the shoes she designed in her weekly computer class. (Yes, I have a variety of questions about this class too, but I’m just too tired to know where to start).
Shortly after my emphatic no, Maya inched her way over to Ali. And as soon as she thought I was no longer in earshot she pounced.
Maya: “I designed shoes in computer class today Dad.”
Ali: “Nice.”
Maya: “Did you know that you can order them online at converse.com? The actual ones I designed?”
Ali: “Nice.”
Maya: “So can you?”
Ali: “Can I what?”
Maya: “Can you order them?”
Ali: “Can I order what? Maya, what are you talking about?’
I know I should judge Maya’s creativity but flowers? Really?
After his initial irritation at Maya cutting into his precious computer time, I could feel Ali waiver. Did I mention he finds it impossible to tell her no?
Ali: “Maya, you don’t need any more shoes.”
Maya: “Well Daddy, according to my calculations I only have 3 pairs of shoes I can wear to school…”
At this point I stopped listening because my mind was occupied with the following thoughts:
- I almost want to give Maya the shoes just for utilizing the phrase “according to my calculations.”
- Using “Daddy” instead of “Dad” was a nice touch. Good job Maya!
- My kid is going to be a litigator.
- If Maya spent half as much time on math as she does honing her persuasion skills she’d have mastered subtraction by now.
- How does Ali have so much patience?
And then, when I couldn’t listen to one more second I yelled from my hiding place: “Mama said no. And no is no. End of conversation.”
And that Ali? That’s how you say no.
an ounce, a grain, and a dash
Blog readers often send me super nice emails. Other emails? They aren’t so nice. It is for this reason I thought it might be useful to address some additional FAQ’s. (Please note that while real, some questions are paraphrased for entertainment value.)
Q: Does Ali get upset about the mean things you write about him?
A: 99% of the time I read my posts to Ali to make sure he is okay with what I’ve written. When I write about Ali commenting on my fat thighs I do not check with him. Because the world deserves to know that a filter-less person like my husband exists.
Q: Being a mother isn’t that hard. Why do you make it seem that way?
A: I realize that others might not find diapers, vomit, constant questions, tantrums, and whining hard (not sure who this person is but I assume she exists), but I do. Maybe I’m not a good person for admitting it, but the point of this blog is to be honest.
Q: The fact that you work and are a mother isn’t that remarkable. Many parents do the same and more.
A: Agreed. I often think I am a superhero as I wax on and on about everything I accomplish by noon. My only excuse it that Ali drives me to be this way. Plus I’m selfish.
Highlights of the weekend: Coffee with Ali at Bouchon
Q: Do you fear Maya will eventually read your blog?
A: Actually, as soon as I think Maya’s old enough to understand sarcasm, I’ll be happy to help her point her browser in the right direction.
Q: Do you fear that Maya is too spoiled?
A: As the only granddaughter on one side and the only grandchild on the other, Maya is a bit indulged. But I do my best to counteract this by taking her to volunteer at different events, by constantly reminding her how lucky she is, and by making her sweep the floor on an as needed basis.
A decent hair day…
Q: You complain a lot. Why?
A: While I likely complain more than the average person, please realize that this blog is supposed to be sarcastic and funny. If I talked about flowers and puppies all day long then really, what would be the point?
Q: Are you on medication?
A: Aside from a slew of holistic remedies to counteract my eczema I am not.
Q: Do you think you need medication?
A: I don’t think so. Although Ali would likely give a resounding “yes” to answer this question.
Maya’s Mickey Mouse Pizza at Il Fornaio.
I know that not everybody is going to appreciate or understand my writing style, but please know it is never my intention to offend anyone. Also note that I don’t purport to be an expert on any subject whatsoever. Thus I ask readers to read this blog with the knowledge that I am prone to dramatization and sarcasm.
And to those of you who get me? Thank you.
the need to snack
Yesterday morning I told myself: “Today is the day I’m going to stop mindlessly snacking after dinner.”
I repeated my resolve as I had a protein shake for breakfast and my usual shrimp/avocado roll at lunch. I repeated my resolve through 20 somewhat torturous minutes testing Maya on spelling and subtraction. I even repeated my resolve during a chat with Ali about why he can never again let Maya wear tights to school without a dress on top of them.
No, I never thought I’d have to have that conversation either.
Anyway, when Maya was finally in bed and it was time to watch Million Dollar Listing New York (highlight of my week) my resolve went straight out the window leaving me with, “I totally need a snack.”
As I ventured to find something to eat, I watched as my husband broke out the box of mini-ice cream cones he randomly bought at Trader Joe’s, put one on a plate, and went back to the living room.
Me: “Those are really small. How do you stop at just one?”
Ali: “I just think about the hydrogenated fats.”
Maya is a snacker too…but she snacks while hiding in the furthest corner of the house so she doesn’t have to share.
As I pondered the fact that Ali knew what hydrogenated fats were, I grabbed a box of raisins and followed him to the TV. 10 minutes and about 40 raisins later I was back in the kitchen looking for some chocolate. And then 5 minutes after that I realized I needed something salty. And then … well you get the picture.
So what I want to know is why I have no interest in snacking all day but have zero self-control after dinner? Anyone?
While I'm not going to win Mother/Wife of the Year Award anytime soon, I haven't killed anyone yet or shot myself in the head. And that, my friends, is how I calculate success these days. 
FANCY THAT FANCY THIS 