FANCY THAT FANCY THIS

Yesterday I came to the sad conclusion that I am a terrible judge of character.  For years my brother has been telling me that I need to open my eyes and see that most people only care about themselves.  He constantly lectures me that most of the human species is inherently selfish and most people have no problem taking advantage of others.  I can’t remember how many times he’s lectured me about the fine line between believing the best in people and being naive.  Grow a thick skin, he always says.  Stop worrying about what someone thinks about you, he insists.  Look out for yourself first and others second. 

I’ve always countered that I don’t like to make snap judgments about people.  Instead I like to give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove me otherwise.  I cannot be mean to someone just because I think they are going to be mean back.  I physically cannot do it.  But as a result many people do end up taking advantage of my trusting nature and have no problem doing so and walking away with no regrets.  And when they do my brother simply shakes his head and says, “I told you so.”  Usually followed by, “When will you learn?”

I think I’ve finally learned.

Last night I found out that someone I have known for more than a year is actually a completely different person that I thought he was.   The gist of it is that this person promised me something and completely reneged on his word.  Actually, he not only went back on his word but he did it in a mean, vicious way.  Remember when you were a kid and you gifted someone one of your toys but then thought better of it and took it back a few minutes later?  Well that is exactly what happened.  He owed me something, gave it to me, and then took it back.  Talk about harsh.

I am not confrontational by nature so it took me a long time to work up the nerve to email this person to find out what exactly happened.  That was when he turned the entire situation on me and made it my fault!  I was so shocked that I literally stared at the email he sent for a good 10 minutes before it finally sunk in that he wasn’t kidding around. 

This has been consuming me for the better part of 24 hours.  Ridiculous, I know.  Why do I let people and their actions affect me so much?  Ali and Maya tried to make me feel better but it was one of those things where you just have to keep dwelling on the situation until you can’t dwell on it anymore.  And dwell I did.  I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept vacillating between being very hurt and extremely angry.  I think what bothered me the most about the whole thing was that for an entire year I thought this person and I had a great relationship.  We chatted, joked around, and learned from each other.  Or so I thought.  Despite other people warning me about his character flaws, I believed that this person had only good intentions and I defended him relentlessly.  So it was like a slap in the face to learn that the whole year was just one big joke and our relationship, or the relationship that I believe existed, was really only a figment of my imagination.  I am not only angry about what happened but I am even angrier about the fact that I now feel like a complete idiot for being on his side all this time.

Naturally I called my mother today for advice.  I mean really, who else knows you better than your mom?  She told me that I am who I am and I can’t change that.  So if that means that I believe the best in people and they prove me wrong, so be it.  But I will never think like my brother, even if he is right, because it just isn’t in me.  She also told me that it is better to be the person being hurt rather than the one who hurts, no matter what the consequences.  And she is absolutely right.  I’ve written before about how I have a problem with feeling guilty about everything as it is so I doubt I could live with intentionally hurting someone.

So that was yesterday’s drama and I am trying to move past it.  Of course I am still thinking about what happened and it is still driving me nuts, but I’ve had some time to reflect and I know I have to move on before I drive myself crazy.  So I must ask all of you: Are you able to determine what someone is like the minute you meet them?  Or do you take your time before you develop an opinion?  Do you consider yourself a good judge of character?