A Meat Bikini
Have I mentioned I have an intense dislike for Lady Gaga? Well I do. As a matter of fact, she tops the list of people I find tasteless and offensive, and that is no easy feat considering the length of my list.
While I am not usually one to spread negativity I am hoping this post will persuade you to dislike her as well. Yes, I realize this is my most pointless mission yet but operation Stop Maya From Coughing was a success, so I figure there is no harm in trying, right?
Plus I’m trying to kill time until sunset when I can finally eat, and if wasting time writing about someone who doesn’t matter makes the day go faster, than so be it.
So without further ado, may I present:
3 Reasons to Dislike Lady Gaga
1. Thanks to her I have to hear off-key versions of “Alejandro” from both Maya and Ali. I realize this is my problem and it doesn’t affect you whatsoever, but I had to throw it out in hopes I’ll get a sympathy vote or two.
2. Lady Gaga can sing! She has an amazing voice! So why does she have to wear a gyroscope or cigarettes as sunglasses to prove she is talented?
3. I don’t eat meat and I am not offended by those who do. I am, however, offended by people who wear meat, as Lady Gaga recently did for Japanese Vogue.
Shabu-Shabu anyone?
(Image from OhNoTheyDidn’t)
I am so over stars who think they have to do completely off-the-wall things to get attention – from Madonna to Christina Aguilera, from Pink to Katy Perry…I could go on for hours.
I’ll spare you the rest of my list, but please tell me I’m not the only one who finds Lady Gaga sick and wrong?
Priorities!
After living in Los Angeles for most of my life, I rarely think twice about things that would probably shock the hell out of other people. From witnessing another one of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunctions while sharing an elevator to listening to a spoiled, designer clad 6-year-old girl unnecessarily scream “You are killing me daddy!” in the middle of Beverly Hills…I feel like I’ve seen too much.
But being as jaded as I am, even I was surprised when I saw this a few nights ago:
I wish I had a picture of the Swarovksi encrusted rims...they were truly one of a kind.
More than anything I think I was confused.
Obviously this doesn’t belong to our distinguished president, unless of course he suddenly relocated the first family to Los Angeles and purchased a Swarovski crystal Escalade. So why does a random person have “Obama” on their license plate? And why the number 7? And why would anyone want a Swarovski crystal Escalade in the first place?
So many questions, so little time. But what really amazes me is that someone would go to all the expense and energy of crystallizing their vehicle but wouldn’t bother centering their personalized license plate.
Priorities people! Please!
Hunger Pains Are Easily Dismissed
Many of you have asked how I manage to get through 15 hours without eating during the month of Ramadan. It’s hard of course, but after a while you learn to employ a few tricks to make things more manageable.
1. Think of a food or food-related situation that makes you cringe. Just the other day, for example, I visited Fogo de Chao with Ali and my brother. For those of you unfamiliar with a churrascaria, Fogo is basically a omnivore’s heaven. Waiters bring around slabs of meat and you keep chewing until you think you’ve eaten enough to justify $65. Or until you feel like throwing up – whatever comes first.
It’s been about a week since I witnessed Ali and my brother put away 5 lbs of red meat each and I am still recovering. The silver lining is that the minute I think about the various dead cows that appeared at the dinner table my hunger pangs *poof* disappear.
2. Distract yourself with the fact that your child is well on her way to a life of crime. I was washing Maya’s germ-infested lunchbox yesterday, just thinking about how great an order of McDonald’s beef-powder encased, sodium-laden, sugar-dusted fries would taste when all of a sudden I saw this:
Yes, Sticky-Fingers Maya is at it again. Despite the fact that she has no less than 200 crayons she is stealing more from school and is using her innocent Hello Kitty lunchbox as a vessel for her dirty habit.
“Maya, why are you taking crayons and putting them in your lunchbox? You have a million crayons right here.”
“Well Mama, I don’t have those colors.”
I guess yellow, green, and blue are more unique than I originally thought.
3. Let your guilty conscience consume you. Apparently there was a summer camp show at Maya’s school yesterday but I somehow missed the memo. Not only did I miss Maya doing Jazz Hands but per Maya I was the only person in the entire world who missed Maya doing Jazz Hands.
“Every single mom and dad was there except you Mama. There must have been thousands of moms and dads but I couldn’t find you anywhere.”
This one will haunt me far after Ramadan is over. Consider me scarred for life.
While I'm not going to win Mother/Wife of the Year Award anytime soon, I haven't killed anyone yet or shot myself in the head. And that, my friends, is how I calculate success these days. 
FANCY THAT FANCY THIS 