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January 31, 2012

I am not a jealous wife.

You would think this is a good quality, right? But the truth is that my ambivalence bothers my husband. He totally wants me wondering if the female voice on the other end of the phone is really just his virtual assistant.

Yes, I said virtual assistant.

Anyway, I guess I should be concerned that in this past week alone:

  • I overheard Ali on the phone with American Express trying to find out why the flowers he ordered were not delivered. To a female I’ve never heard of. To an address I’ve never been to. On a date that means nothing to me.
  • I found several photos of designer shoes and handbags on Ali’s iPhone. Dating back to November of last year. None of which I have received or anticipate receiving because my husband knows that I would never, ever let him drop $4,000 on a gift. For me or anyone else.
  • My husband made unusual efforts with his wardrobe, even going so far as to break out the new purple sweater I bought him and match it nicely with a complementary purple striped shirt. All by himself. Remarkable indeed.

A part of me is curious. The other part of me is just wondering if “the other woman” is capable of cooking, is willing to fieldΒ my husband’s texts,Β and is open to dropping off his dry cleaning.

Because if she is, I may just be prepared to look the other way…

139 Comments leave one →
  1. January 31, 2012 2:52 am

    wont the best be to talk and ask πŸ™‚ then assume

    • January 31, 2012 6:36 pm

      It’s way more fun to assume. Plus then I get to blog about my assumptions!

  2. January 31, 2012 4:03 am

    Ohhhhh you make me laugh Ameena.

  3. January 31, 2012 6:16 am

    Too funny! Virtual assistant? I think I need one!

  4. January 31, 2012 6:38 am

    Well now I’m curious! Be sure to let us know how things with his virtual assistant work out!

  5. January 31, 2012 6:44 am

    This is why I’ve often considered the upside of having a sister wife. I think I’d almost be willing to share if that meant less time spent doing laundry and making dinner.. ALMOST.

  6. January 31, 2012 7:05 am

    Oh dear, this made my morning! I must say jealousy is a lot of hard work…early on I was on top of everything potentially suspicious that hubby did, but now, who has the energy for that anymore!

  7. January 31, 2012 7:08 am

    I am with you! I want a wife myself. I say: sister wife FTW! Make sure you raid her closet though. Not having a sister, I’ve always wanted to raid someone’s closet.

    • January 31, 2012 6:38 pm

      I hope we’re the same size…that’s all I can say.

  8. January 31, 2012 7:16 am

    Maybe he plans for a big surprise for you. Or, he just wants to see your reaction. I’m sure his virtual assistant won’t need anything πŸ™‚

    • January 31, 2012 6:38 pm

      I think a lot of Ali’s actions are for my reactions!

  9. January 31, 2012 7:40 am

    Ugh, I never want to get married. I am always suspicious. I would lose it on a regular basis.

    • January 31, 2012 6:39 pm

      I can understand not wanting to get married but it should be for a variety of other reasons….

  10. January 31, 2012 7:46 am

    If you get that bag I will hate you.
    Kidding. I won’t.
    I love you.
    Send me a virtual assistant.

    • January 31, 2012 6:39 pm

      I kind of want the bag…I just don’t want to pay (estimated) $4,000 for it.

  11. January 31, 2012 8:37 am

    that’s funny. he’s probably testing you, but why does he take pics of LV bags? Maybe he’ll buy it for you. OMG, I would totally accept a $4000 gift… I know it doesn’t say much about my character. But who cares, if you he’s buying it, enjoy it!

    • January 31, 2012 6:51 pm

      When I think of all the clothes I could get for $4000 I know I would definitely pass up on one bag!

  12. January 31, 2012 9:12 am

    Oh gosh…Wow!
    I love your humor!


  13. January 31, 2012 9:23 am

    He’s so techie…The other woman is a robot!

  14. Ashwini permalink
    January 31, 2012 9:51 am

    This had me in splits, Ameena! Now, I really cannot wait till your book is out!

    • January 31, 2012 6:51 pm

      Thank you so much Ashwini! For reading and for the comment. πŸ™‚

  15. January 31, 2012 9:58 am

    Hahahaha you never fail to make me laugh Ameena. I love this post.

    • January 31, 2012 6:52 pm

      Thanks Leah!!

    • nadia permalink
      February 2, 2012 11:29 pm

      I couldn’t agree more….just classic and always makes me laugh:) The virtual assistant is a robot…or maybe siri;) can’t wait to discuss this one w you;) xxxxx

      • February 3, 2012 10:35 am

        We’ll have a chat about it tomorrow. πŸ™‚

  16. January 31, 2012 10:14 am

    I think you’re safe, Ameena. Judging by what I’ve read of Ali on your blog, no one would want those ‘responsibilities’. So, he’s all yours…whether that’s a good or a bad thing! πŸ˜‰

    • January 31, 2012 6:52 pm

      Sigh…not sure if it’s a good or bad thing either…

  17. January 31, 2012 10:32 am

    Sometimes I thinks the idea of a harem is viable… I’ll take care of my husband in a way that I can handle and let someone else do the things I don’t want to do. The only question is whether or not your willing to let the other woman come I to your home to pick up his clothes. If so, what’s the big des, right? πŸ˜‰

    • January 31, 2012 6:53 pm

      She can swing by any old time she’d like! The fact that I wouldn’t have to deal with his clothes would make it all worth it.

  18. January 31, 2012 11:09 am

    The only thing that would kill me, would be if she got the bag. Everything else…ehhh no big deal. I’m can’t really get jealous either, I feel like if someone want to do something stupid go right ahead. Just don’t get her anything nicer than me πŸ™‚ Plus with how tech savvy Ali is, if he left the stuff on his media…no deleting of cookies, or texts, or remove traces of emails, he’s got nothing to hide, because if someone can master the art of secrets, its the tech guy.

    • January 31, 2012 6:53 pm

      Yes but sometimes the guilty ones are the ones you’d least suspect… πŸ™‚

  19. January 31, 2012 11:10 am

    Seems that most men deep down prefer a bit of jealousy, pure silliness if you ask me. I suspect perhaps that he is trying to rattle you up, after all with his tech skills, he should be able able to manage a bit more discreteness πŸ˜‰

    • January 31, 2012 6:54 pm

      I think he is trying to rattle me up! For sure. He wants me to be SO jealous.

  20. January 31, 2012 11:23 am

    hahahah, you crack me up. Yeah I might look the other way too if someone dealt with my hubby too.

  21. January 31, 2012 11:32 am

    he is a perplexing man. i’m with you, I prefer to take the high road. I don’t tend to get jealous.

    • January 31, 2012 6:55 pm

      Perplexing may be the understatement of the year…

  22. January 31, 2012 11:34 am

    Moral superiority lasts longer than leather….but you’ll get less appreciation from others toting it around.
    Tough Call.

  23. January 31, 2012 11:47 am

    Wow. Does he read your blog?

    • January 31, 2012 6:55 pm

      Of course he does! He loves every second of the attention.

  24. January 31, 2012 11:58 am

    You make me laugh πŸ™‚

  25. January 31, 2012 12:48 pm

    This is probably the best post I have read at your blog. Masterpiece – if only all ladies had a view like yours.

    1. This is the whole reason why I run a mile when I hear a girlfriend(s) mention the word ‘Marriage’.

    2. Before making harsh decisions, its best to talk to him about this ‘virtual’ assistant.
    3. Can you tell me where I can find such a ‘virtual’ assistant – one with not so expensive taste.
    4. Does Ali actually read your blog post?
    5. Please, Please, please…give us an update tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.

    Virtual Assistant – wow – bloody brilliant – why didn’t I think of having one.

    • January 31, 2012 6:58 pm

      1. I think Ali wishes he’d done the same.
      2. I don’t have the energy. Or time.
      3. I’ll defer to Ali on this (we all know he’s reading every single comment here).
      4. Absolutely. He loves every second of this!
      5. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. As long as people keep reading my nonsense, I’ll keep writing it.

      • Ali permalink
        February 2, 2012 8:05 am

        Ameena is egging me on just to get me to reply…

        The assistants are from work.
        And per 4., I am not an attention seeker!

  26. January 31, 2012 12:55 pm

    Oooh, I love the shoes! Curious though. “I found several photos….”? As in, I went through my husband’s personal phone? Hmmmmmmm

    • January 31, 2012 6:59 pm

      Of course I went through his pictures! I was looking for a picture of Maya (I swear I was).

  27. January 31, 2012 1:41 pm

    I have no idea what a $4000 bag looks like but it better make dinner and do laundry. And on that, what is a virtual assistant?

    • January 31, 2012 7:01 pm

      It’s an assistant we never see (or I never see) but one who apparently is invaluable for Ali. For reasons I am never fully understand…

  28. January 31, 2012 2:19 pm

    Those shoes…and that purse…I mean, I suppose if I married someone who was bleeding money, I would be more than willing to allow them to splurge a few g’s on some Louis V πŸ˜‰

    • January 31, 2012 7:02 pm

      I could never drop that kind of money on a bag! Of course I’m fortunate enough to have my MIL who lends me her extras…

  29. karen permalink
    January 31, 2012 2:27 pm

    You’re hilarious! I love your sense of humour! I’ve been reading your blog for some time now and I don’t usually leave comments, but today I had to cause you really made my day! I’m really looking forward to your book coming out too!

    • January 31, 2012 7:02 pm

      Karen – you just made my day. Thank you so much for your super kind comment! And for reading…

  30. January 31, 2012 2:29 pm

    Too funny! I highly doubt Ali and his virtual assistant are having virtual sex….and maybe you aren’t the jealous type to worry or wonder but I’ll be darned if my husband buys anyone else even his sister a LV something or other and not for me. Not that I want him to buy it for me…I just don’t want him buying it for anyone else!!

    • January 31, 2012 7:03 pm

      Exactly. I don’t want it but I don’t want him buying it for anyone else either!

  31. January 31, 2012 2:41 pm

    Mysterious or Mischievous? The plot thickens πŸ˜€

  32. January 31, 2012 3:16 pm

    Love your humor .. you know that! But i would get curious too. Find that virtual assistance and throw her away !!!

    • January 31, 2012 7:04 pm

      Throw her away…I love it. Maybe I can delete her?

  33. January 31, 2012 3:25 pm

    I am not jealous either. I had an ex that was insanely, ridiculously jealous and while at first flattering, it ended up being the thing that I hated the most.

    Glenn isn’t jealous either. Good thing were both extremely moral or we could both get away with murder.

    And checking his email would never be an option. I can barely remember my own password and I don’t know how his phone works.

    • January 31, 2012 7:04 pm

      I never check Ali’s email. I can barely keep up with my own!!

  34. January 31, 2012 3:35 pm

    I think you should re-title this post “pity”. Because if your husband is roping in a sister wife for you with his photos of nice things and flowers that mysteriously disappeared, then she hasn’t ACTUALLY received anything and probably deserves some. The first wife always gets the best stuff, even if she does have to handle the dry cleaning.

    • January 31, 2012 7:05 pm

      I suppose in a weird way I feel sorry for “the other woman.” Pity is right.

  35. January 31, 2012 5:02 pm

    Funny! I would ask about those shoes though. They are pretty awesome!

    • January 31, 2012 7:07 pm

      I know they aren’t for me because I’m 5’8!” I’d be like 6’2″ with those on.

  36. January 31, 2012 5:35 pm

    You crack me up! And Ameena, never say no to presents – it sets the wrong precedent. πŸ™‚

    • January 31, 2012 7:07 pm

      The great thing about getting older is that I can buy my own “presents.” No need for him to do it anymore!

  37. January 31, 2012 6:14 pm

    Hopefully he’s not leaving you for Siri, haha. A man and his phone, they’re hard to break up…

  38. January 31, 2012 6:24 pm

    I am not jealous either… but I’ve had to teach my European husband all about the art of sending flowers. IF there were flowers sent and they weren’t for me… we would have a SERIOUS problem πŸ™‚

    • January 31, 2012 7:08 pm

      Oddly enough I don’t even like to receive flowers because then I have to take care of them. And that’s just one more thing I don’t have time for.

      Sad but true.

  39. January 31, 2012 7:03 pm

    Can Ali’s virtual assistant hook me up with a virtual assistant of my own?!? That would be awesome. And one for my husband, too, please. He’s so busy that there’s no way he would be able to find the time to cheat. Plus, he’s married to me, so why would he want to – hahaha.

  40. January 31, 2012 7:16 pm

    If you ever discover her, make sure to send her the orange sweater first. And follow it up with one of Maya’s spelling tests. We know this as Baptism by fire.

    Also, someday when I’m in LA and we’re drinking tea and feasting? We will heavily workshop the issue of why Chanel is so expensive.

    • February 2, 2012 8:34 am

      “Baptism by fire.”

      You just have the best way with words Kat. Love it.

  41. January 31, 2012 7:18 pm

    I always ask the husband if we can get a wife. All I want her to do is take care of the laundry, dust, vacuum, clean the bathroom and do the dishes. I’ll happily do the cooking. I just want her to clean up after me! For some reason, he hasn’t taken me up on the idea yet.

    • February 2, 2012 8:35 am

      I really just want someone to do the cooking!! I hate cooking.

  42. January 31, 2012 7:38 pm

    You crack me up, maybe if Ali is too busy to take care of his girlfriend then could he send her here, I think I may have some chores for her to do “for my husband” like picking up.

    • February 2, 2012 8:35 am

      This girlfriend of Ali’s is in so much demand already!!

  43. January 31, 2012 8:09 pm

    oh im totally the jealous kind. if it were me, by now would be (frantically) going through my husband’s phonecall reports & credit card statements! πŸ˜€ also wouldn mind a $4000 LV gift, esp after all the high BP i would probably expect one! haha

    • February 2, 2012 8:36 am

      I’ve been married too long to waste time on cc statements and phone bills. You’ll get there too! I promise. πŸ™‚

  44. January 31, 2012 8:19 pm

    Okay, I’m super curious…wonder who that mystery “lady” is! Or maybe, hey, he is starting to develop a sense of style?

    • February 2, 2012 8:37 am

      I’ve known Ali too long for him to suddenly develop style. Something else is going on here!

  45. January 31, 2012 8:20 pm

    You are a woman after my own heart!


  46. Piya permalink
    January 31, 2012 8:32 pm

    flowers ehhhh…but the LV shoes and bag better be for you!!!!!!!!! πŸ˜€

    • February 2, 2012 8:37 am

      Agreed. I’d much rather have the bag than flowers!

  47. January 31, 2012 9:11 pm

    So funny! I admit that I’m the one who is always talking about my “boyfriend” or “current crush” with my husband. Luckily (or not?!), the new boyfriend/crush is usually someone like Rafael Nadal. Meaning, not anyone that I would ever meet! And certainly not a good replacement for my husband who happens to sweep and do the dishes. On that note, I should make sure that he doesn’t have a mysterious woman that he’s hiding!

    • February 2, 2012 8:38 am

      You husband sweeps and does the dishes? I am floored. Speechless. And that rarely happens to me.

  48. January 31, 2012 11:15 pm

    haha classic. Virtual assistant I like the sound of that. Great fun.

  49. January 31, 2012 11:56 pm

    I am so happy to read that like me, you are not jealous! Sometimes I think women who are jealous cause some of their own problems with their jealousy! I’m sure your husband has a reasonable explanation for every item you blogged about!

    • February 2, 2012 8:39 am

      No, I’m not jealous at all. When it comes to him anyway.

      When it comes to the gorgeous LA girls? That’s a different story.

  50. February 1, 2012 5:26 am

    Dang! Where’s my virtual assistant? I could certainly keep him busy. πŸ™‚ Oh, and no 4k clothing for this girl either. He can send me to a spa in Italy and I’ll be much happier with the purchase.

    • February 2, 2012 8:42 am

      Absolutely! I would take a first class ticket to Italy over a bag any day.

  51. February 1, 2012 6:51 am

    Ha! Maybe he’s looking at that stuff just to see if you’ll react. Love that you’re not!

    • February 2, 2012 8:42 am

      My husband is all about getting a reaction out of me. I do my best to let him down!!

  52. February 1, 2012 9:53 am

    I literally laughed out loud at the end of your post- my hubby was very curious at my laughter & somehow he couldn’t appreciate it when I tried to explain to him what made me laugh πŸ™‚ ha ha!!

    • February 2, 2012 8:43 am

      Thanks Anjuli for reading. And really, husbands never quite get our humor, do they?

  53. February 1, 2012 11:02 am

    I hear you, no jealousy here either. A virtual assistant? My husband is a Systems Engineer; very savvy with technology, but I’ve never heard of this. I feel I could learn a lot from you and your husband in the computer world! Hahaha! Take care,


    • February 2, 2012 8:44 am

      We could all learn a lot from my husband in the computer world. πŸ™‚ There is not enough time in the day though!

  54. February 1, 2012 11:06 am

    Hilarious post… This is the first time I am visiting ur blog And u made laugh… Especially the virtual assistant part πŸ˜€ LOL!!

    • February 2, 2012 8:44 am

      Thanks my friend! For the compliment and for reading. I appreciate it!

  55. Tamara permalink
    February 1, 2012 11:45 am

    My sweetie and I have sometimes bandied around the option of getting him a mail-order bride. Here’s the plan: we weren’t going to get married anyway, for personal reasons, so we pick a wife for him from a human trafficking catalog. They marry as far as the feds are concerned, and we give her a cozy little guest bedroom. All she has to do is cook and clean to get a place to stay, nice roomies, and unlimited American freedoms, when she might otherwise be raped and abused until her “husband” got tired of her. Sweetie gets impeccable service as a maid from one and a lover from the other, and I never have to lift a dishtowel again. Everybody wins.

    Unfortunately, the human traffickers would also win, and they’d use that money to go get more girls to rape and abuse. So we had to give that one up. It was a nice dream while it lasted, though….

    • February 2, 2012 8:45 am

      Human trafficking…so sad. I read a novel about it last year and it’s stuck with me since then. 😦

  56. February 1, 2012 12:27 pm

    I’m thinking you’ve got a sister wife in the making, embrace that possibility.

  57. February 1, 2012 2:36 pm

    I am definitely a jealous wife. Except my husband through his cell phone last year while angry and now it only works on speaker phone. (Karma.) So I hear all of his conversations (assuming I am around), and as far as I can tell he only ever talks to men.

    This does leave me very curious about where the flowers and designer goods researched ended up. Ali, do tell…

  58. February 1, 2012 6:23 pm

    thanks for visiting my blog… glad to find that we share the same name…
    your post is very humorous….

  59. February 1, 2012 8:28 pm

    You crack me up Ameena! I should read a post everyday with my morning cup of coffee to ensure a happy start to the day. I don’t think you need to be worried…from the post on texting and toothpaste, it seems like Ali is an early bird…maybe he is planning a birthday/anniversary surprise and wanted to get a headsart.

    • February 2, 2012 8:47 am

      Thanks Meenakshi! For the liking my random humor and for reading. I appreciate it!

  60. February 1, 2012 10:48 pm

    If you’re lucky, perhaps this ‘mistress’ will offer reading with Maya too ;)! And who said that cheating had to be a bad thing ;)!

    • February 2, 2012 8:48 am

      I didn’t think about that! Talk about an added bonus. πŸ™‚

  61. February 2, 2012 9:01 am

    Hi Ameena,
    Very funny post! I think your husband wants to surprise you with gifts.

    • February 2, 2012 7:19 pm

      We’ll see Asmita!! The outlook isn’t promising though.

  62. February 2, 2012 5:34 pm

    OMG!!! You are too funny girl! Does Ali read your blog?

    • February 2, 2012 6:56 pm

      Of course he does! He loves all the attention…even though he pretends he doesn’t.

  63. February 2, 2012 10:44 pm

    Too funny! Any chance he is sending flowers to his virtual assistant?!?!

    • February 3, 2012 10:38 am

      That’s a thought but then I’d imagine a virtual bouquet would suffice?

  64. February 3, 2012 2:46 am

    haha…you are such a sweetheart-only someone super confident about her guy can say so…takes one to know one:-)

    • February 3, 2012 10:41 am

      You an amazing knack for seeing the good in everyone – even me. πŸ™‚

  65. Erika permalink
    February 4, 2012 5:46 pm

    Ameena go out and get that chanel handbag and shoes and charge it in ALI’s name after all you know YOU deserve it. ALL the things you do for him. ALL the cleaning, cooking, and everything else. well you have never mentioned if you had to take care of him while he was sick and we have all heard how MEN get when they are sick. ah hem. so by all means you deserve it. Besides you had his child, he wasnt pregnant with her..Hurry before he pairs that wonderful purple sweater somehow with the orange one. Believe me he will figure out a way he is a tech savy man. πŸ˜‰

    signed Ameena’s concious

    • February 4, 2012 8:50 pm

      My conscious is dead on. πŸ™‚ Love this!

      I always say that there is nothing Ali could ever do to make up for the fact that I am the one who had Maya. Nothing can compare! Usually it gets him up and moving…

  66. February 4, 2012 7:00 pm

    Ooh the tension! I’d love to know more updates πŸ˜€

  67. February 6, 2012 9:22 pm

    I read this blog post out to my husband and now he wants to be friends with Ali. But seriously, did you find out?

    • February 7, 2012 7:49 am

      Supposedly Ali was taking photos at Chanel and Louis Vuitton because his mom was on a hunt for a particular bag. Sounds reasonable? I still have my doubts!!


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