Like Father…Like Daughter
“If you can take care of her for the first 6 months, I promise I’ll handle the rest.”
These were the semi-conscious words Ali muttered to me at 3am one morning when we were awoken yet again by a screaming 6-week-old Maya. I found Ali’s statement hysterically funny in my sleep-deprived state, because I knew there was a 0.01% chance of that idea every coming to fruition. But despite doing most of the child rearing around here, I will say Ali has taught Maya some very important life lessons in the last 5 years. For example:
There is no reason to put one’s clothes inside the hamper because that effort of lifting the lid? Well it may just kill you.
Ali's hamper with clothes on top.
Maya's hamper with clothes on top.
Hangers are merely for aesthetic purposes. Clothes really do belong in piles on the floor. And there is no need to empty your carry-on and/or Dora backpack because you can easily just zip it up and take the same dirty clothes with you on your next trip.
Ali's scary closet floor.
Maya's scary closet floor.
A glass of water should be kept in the same spot in the kitchen 24/7. It is okay to leave it there despite Mom’s glares and lectures about keeping the counter clear of clutter and putting one’s dishes in the dishwasher.
Ali's glass of water in the corner of the kitchen.
Maya's glass of water in the corner of the kitchen.
And there is no need to clean up one’s desk when it will just get messy again. Plus, Mom hates messy desks and it’s fun to annoy her.
Ali's messy desk featuring MY iPad.
Maya's messy desk featuring bad lowercase letters.
But of all the bad habits useful things Ali has taught Maya thus far, I believe he’s also shown her that sometimes life is about breaking free of Mom’s numerous rules and regulations.
Maya and Ali breaking free from Mom's numerous rules.
It’s about teeth-clenching, neck-breaking hugs.
Maya and Ali in Beverly Hills.
And that sometimes you can put your laptop aside for another bone-crushing hug, just for the hell of it.
Ali and Maya...no technology in sight??
Happy Father’s Day (one day early)!
The Evil Eye
About a year before Maya was born Ali and I ran into some really bad luck. In the span of 1 month:
- I sliced through my hand trying to cut an avocado in half.
- A week after tendon repair surgery on the aforementioned hand I caught a terrible stomach flu and proceeded to throw up for the first time in 12 years. As a vomit-phobe this was a big deal to me, and despite being 27-years-old I obviously retreated back to my parent’s house.
- That was where Ali was headed the afternoon he got into a terrible car accident that totaled his car and sent him to the hospital in an ambulance with a broken foot and numerous other lacerations I believe included a burst artery.
- Since neither of us could drive at that point we moved into Ali’s parent’s house. I thought we were safe but then Ali’s dad backed his car full speed into mine while it was innocently parked in the driveway, crushing the driver’s side door and ruining his bumper.
So there we were, my hand in a cast and Ali’s leg in a cast. He was hobbling around on crutches, and cuts, bruises, and vomit surrounded us. In the span of 2 weeks we went from 2 cars to zero, and years later our auto insurance is still through the roof. I think it is funny now how helpless we were for a while, with Ali’s uncle driving him to work when Ali finally got out of the hospital, and either my mom or dad driving me to work and then physical therapy for my hand. But back then? Not so funny.
I remember Ali’s mom saying that a “nazar” had been put on us. Or in other words, the evil eye, a curse, or a jinx, stemming from someone who was envious or jealous. I have never been a superstitious person but when Ali’s mom suggested a religious ceremony to get rid of the evil eye you better believe I jumped on it. Better to be safe than sorry, right?
After that things slowly got back to normal, but I continue to wonder to this day who hated us SO much that they felt the need to put the evil eye on us. And I’m getting a bit nervous because in the span of two weeks I smacked my toe so hard that the doctor doesn’t think my nail will ever recover, I didn’t get a job that I thought I was a shoe-in for, I still have a cold 5 days later, and Maya cannot master her flipping lowercase “j.” Oh, and did I mention that for the second time in a year my car was rear ended and the person took off?
Will Maya ever master her lowercase "j?"
Maybe another religious ceremony is in order…
Outsourcing Your Dishes
Gift-giving occasions can throw Ali into a tizzy, so as a holiday or birthday approaches he will subtly ask for hints as to what I would like him to buy me. My standard answer?
“Please don’t buy me anything. The best gift ever would be for you to clean up your ____ (insert any number of things, including his desk in the den, his closet floor, or the pile of cables sitting in the laundry room).”
Pretty straightforward right? I mean, doesn’t every guy wish his wife was as low-maintenance as me?
You can stop laughing now, but I swear that when compared to other people I am really not that bad. I recently met a newly engaged girl who insisted on exchanging her ring for a larger stone. And when that one wasn’t good enough she exchanged it for another. I swear that story is true! After I heard that I felt a bit more at ease with my demands for a separate bathroom and closet.
So every year Ali ignores my pleas for a cable and clutter-free existence and goes out to buy me something instead. And 99% of the time I return it. Before you start feeling bad for “John” Ali do know that he rejects almost everything I so thoughtfully purchase for him as well. I guess we aren’t quite on the same wavelength when it comes to gift-giving. Or much else for that matter. But that is another post altogether.
Anyway, imagine my surprise when I came into the kitchen after dinner last night and there were no dishes in the sink? I was so thrilled that Ali finally took my 10th anniversary gift request seriously! That is until I watched this:
This video gives “passing the buck” a whole new meaning.
While I'm not going to win Mother/Wife of the Year Award anytime soon, I haven't killed anyone yet or shot myself in the head. And that, my friends, is how I calculate success these days. 
FANCY THAT FANCY THIS 