It’s Raining Prada
I recently realized a few things about myself – I don’t have the patience to search through racks to find good bargains, I don’t deal well with crowds of shoppers, and I’d much rather pay full price for something than battle with 20 other people to get the last pair of Jimmy Choo’s at a whopping 15% discount. (Disclaimer: I don’t own a single pair of Jimmy Choo’s.)
In short, I am not a shopper.
So imagine my shock when I unexpectedly found myself at Saks Fifth Avenue yesterday…
I overheard someone say that there was a line of women outside of Saks at 9:45 am and a near stampede when the store opened at 10 am.
I not only went to Saks for the first time in 5 years (?) but I went shopping in the shoe department…during an “up to 70% off” sale…that was in effect ONLY between the hours of 10 am and 1 pm. Sheer madness, I tell you.
This woman in blue kept haunting me...but I must admit I love her purse.
I must have lost my mind, right? I mean, why else would anyone willingly throw themselves into the chaos of the Beverly Hills lunch crowd during the 3-hour sale of the season?
I arrived around 12:15 pm and the aftermath of the stampede wasn't pretty...it looked like the skies had opened up and rained down Prada and Gucci.
There is one reason and one reason only to explain the fact that I braved the terrifying crowds of spoiled Beverly Hills teens and botoxed soccer moms.
My mother-in-law asked me to.
Want to hear the saddest thing ever? The saleslady who rung me up said that I was the nicest person she'd dealt with all day and she wished she could clone me.
It’s been about 24 hours since I was shoved out-of-the-way so someone could reach the size 37 1/2 Ferragamos that just happened to be in front of me. Physically I have almost recovered. Mentally…well, it might take a while.
But my mother-in-law, the same lady who used her fingers to debone chicken for me (back when I ate meat) so that I didn’t get grossed out by the bone being on my plate, was grateful I was able to purchase the shoes that she wanted. And that made it all worth it in the end.
Potential scars and all.
Formula for Success
There is something very comforting about knowing that a problem has one solution and one solution only…and THAT is exactly why I love math.
Back in my college days, my HP-17b financial calculator and I were inseparable because I could always count on it to help me figure out the right answer. I only wish that my 17b could address a few of Maya’s questions, like today’s, “Mama, my pants are falling down…what should I do?” But I have to remind myself that my calculator is only a calculator and not a miracle-worker.
Anyway, as my main purpose in life these days is to feed and entertain Maya, and more recently to pull up her pants, I’ve had to put the precious 17b aside to do a different kind of math.
1 Magic Eraser + 1 repentant child = A “like-new” balcony
In Progress:
There is nothing like cleaning tile in your pajamas and Crocs.
The magical result:
If only the Magic Eraser could erase all the curse words I muttered under my breath today too...then it would truly be magical.
Thank you all for your great suggestions on removing crayon from tile! I am certainly armed with information for her next mishap.
1 bored child + 1/2 hour of storytime = 1/2 hour of freedom for me
Not only did Maya lead the other kids in singing "An Itsy Bitsy Spider," but she also insisted on doing a solo in Spanish. I think she really needs to work on her shyness.
I felt a bit guilty that we didn’t buy anything from Pottery Barn Kids after storytime, but I felt better when I noticed that 99% of the other kids were accompanied by their nanny. I believe that being present is worth something.
1 dad with a (.5) prescription in both eyes + 1 mom with a (-4.75) prescription in both eyes = 1 kid with a (+2.25) prescription in both eyes?
There are about 10 choices when it comes to kids glasses but luckily we both agreed on these ones.
This math baffles me. Any optometrists out there want to explain how a child can become farsighted when both her parents are nearsighted?
1 dinner party + no caterer in sight = 1 really awesome lasagna
Make sure your little helper doesn't sneeze, cough, or rub her nose while cooking. I am 99% mine didn't. No guarantees here.
The Easiest Lasagna EVER
1 jar of your favorite tomato sauce
16 no-boil noodles
1 1/2 lb. of shredded mozzarella cheese
1 lb. cooked ground beef (or omit if you don’t eat meat)
basil
1. Cover the bottom of a 13″ X 9″ glass pan with a layer of sauce
2. Overlap 4 noodles, cover with a generous layer of sauce, layer 1/3 of the meat, and sprinkle 1/3 of the cheese.
3. Repeat 2 more times, sprinkle with basil (to make things look professional), cover with foil, and cook at 375 degrees for 30 minutes.
4. Uncover and cook for 10 more minutes so the top layer of cheese browns.
Even my dad raved about this. And he never raves about anything, except maybe the cheap socks he buys at TJ Maxx.
I’m not going to pretend this lasagna is authentic and I wouldn’t dare serve it to a real Italian, but it looks complicated and impressive and it feeds a ton of people. I highly recommend giving it a try.
1 compliment from an impossible to please father + 1 compliment from an impossible to please father-in-law = success
A Fear of Wasting Food
It is week #3 of Maya’s vacation and right now my definition of success is getting through the day.
I aim high.
My hair is a scarier mess than it normally is, I am almost hoarse from saying, “That’s it! One more time and I’m sending you to your room,” and if I have to throw one more empty string cheese wrapper in the trash you may just see me on the evening news.
“Los Angeles Mom Allegedly Throws Herself Over the Balcony After String Cheese Mishap. Story at 11.”
Why is she incapable of throwing a little piece of plastic in the trash? Why?
But there I go again being a Negative Nelly. So instead of complaining further I will share one of the few benefits of Maya staying home…our fridge is actually full for a change since we have nothing better to do than hit Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods almost daily. We even visited our local Smart & Final today. The excitement today was nearly unbearable.
Our full fridge/freezer is a blessing because I finally have things to feed my eating machine Maya, but it also throws me into a bit of a panic because I have this crazy fear of wasting food! (Incidentally I checked phobialist.com and could not find a phobia related to wasting food. I am disappointed.)
Anyway, after a frozen waffle fell on my foot this morning I felt compelled to send Ali off to work with a big bag full of cupcakes, Godiva Chocolate Bar Cake, assorted candy, and ice cream. Luckily his co-workers are also eating machines so I’m sure everything was consumed before 10am.
Something I didn’t send Ali off to work with though were the gluten-free brownies my surgeon friend brought over for me this past weekend. Because you know, in between doing surgeries and taking care of her 2 kids, she had all the free time in the world to whip these up from scratch.
Along with neglecting my own hair, I've been neglecting my daughter's hair. And it shows.
These brownies are so rich and delicious that I would have had no idea they were gluten-free had my friend not told me so. I popped the few that Maya and Ali didn’t get their hands on into the depths of the freezer and since neither my husband nor my child can find their hand in front of their face, I’m not too concerned they’ll locate the brownies in their unmarked foil. In case you are interested, and trust me when I say you should be, you can find the recipe on the Gluten-Free Goddess’ blog.
Ali supposedly had another “work dinner” tonight so it’s just me and Maya. Again. I have a feeling I’ll be digging into my freezer soon to self-medicate.
On the bright side, at least I am not pharmacophobic.
While I'm not going to win Mother/Wife of the Year Award anytime soon, I haven't killed anyone yet or shot myself in the head. And that, my friends, is how I calculate success these days. 
FANCY THAT FANCY THIS 