He Got With The Program
I’ve known Ali for 12 years and in those 12 years I must have said, “Stop procrastinating and get with the program” about 3,120* times.
Well guess what? Yesterday Ali Got With the Program. Allow me to give you a quick overview of the aforementioned miracle:
7:00 am: “Ali, my computer has a DLL error.”
7:01 am: “Oh my God, that’s not good. Not good at all.”
7:02 am: Ali troubleshoots.
7:10 am: Ali backs up my computer.
7:20 am: Ali takes my computer to have his tech guys troubleshoot and leaves me with a Netbook.
8:30 am: My carpal tunnel is 200% worse thanks to a keyboard better suited to Maya’s fingers.
11:20 am: The Netbook shuts down on its own. Twice. I scream in frustration.
12:00 pm: I finally realize that my iPad can be useful at times.
4:00 pm: I shut the Netbook down. I turn the iPad off. My wrists and fingers thank me.
4:05 pm – 6:30 pm: Maya works my last nerve while at the park. I try to ignore her and Google “carpal tunnel treatments” on my iPhone.
6:35 pm: I come home to this:
A "Must Fix Ameena's Laptop Command Center" consisting of 3 laptops, an iPad, the much-hated Netbook, a backup drive, and a side of "America's Next Top Model."
When Ali means business…he means business. Now I just need to figure out how to get him to apply the same vigor when it comes to putting his clothes IN the hamper instead of on top.
In the meantime, please say a few prayers for my troubled laptop. My carpal tunnel would appreciate a prayer or two as well.
*5 times a week X 52 weeks a year X 12 years – please note this is a conservative estimate.
Why Do I Grind My Teeth?
I take everything my dentist says with a grain of salt. I do this because I am pretty sure I am single-handedly paying for the new Mercedes she drives.
Recently she insisted I need a mouth guard. As much as I wanted to ignore her, just the thought of another root canal made me cough up the $300 quicker than you can say, “September lease payment due.”
As I spent time alternating between admiration and bitterness at my dentist’s fear/marketing tactics, I pondered the reasons I supposedly need a night guard, and I came up with the following:
1. There is nothing like hearing your 5-year-old sing, “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” to make you grind your teeth at night.
- 2. The fact that Ali was sitting on the couch supervising my child at the time only adds to my anxiety.
3. I suppose that videos of Nicole Scherzinger in next to nothing may also be to blame for the fact that a little boy in Maya’s class has been looking up all of the little girl’s skirts? I think I’ve worn away my enamel over this one.
4. The school’s solution to a 5-year-old peeping Tom is to tell all the girls to wear shorts underneath their dresses. This doesn’t exactly lull me to sleep at night.
5. And the fact that Ali’s reaction to the whole fiasco was a simple “hmm” is putting my TMJ into overdrive.
So I guess in the end it all comes down to this: my dentist is driving around in a luxury car thanks to a bunch of grown women who call themselves the Pussycat Dolls. Funny how things work, huh?
There’s Hope for Me Yet.
I knew it was coming. I knew it was inevitable. And it happened.
We’d just come back from a 2 hour jaunt to the park. I had a migraine and Maya’s constant complaining didn’t help. It was 4:30 pm and she was starving so we started on dinner immediately – as in do not pass go, do not even remove your sunglasses – just start cooking.
I let her help me make calzones. I tried to be patient when she knocked flour all over the floor. I didn’t say a word when she licked her fingers. Twice. We put the calzones in the oven and set the timer for 8 interminable minutes.
As the timer slowly ticked away she sat down and started tapping her fingers on the counter impatiently. I miraculously ignored her dramatic, “I’m waiting.” I ignored more tapping. I fulfilled her demand for more sparkling water.
But then the final straw: another episode of finger tapping and the icing on the cake – “I’m still waiting.” And that’s when I lost it. That’s when I told my 5-year-old to shut up.
I lied and told Ali I only said it once but what really happened was I said “Shut up!” and then a second later, “Why can’t you just shut up?”
Don't let her angelic smile deceive you - she is as high-maintenance as they come.
I’m not proud of myself but I instantly perked up when I overheard a mother at Target say to her daughter, “If you do that one more time I’m going to beat the S@#$ out of you.”
There’s hope for me yet.
While I'm not going to win Mother/Wife of the Year Award anytime soon, I haven't killed anyone yet or shot myself in the head. And that, my friends, is how I calculate success these days. 
FANCY THAT FANCY THIS 