Why Do I Grind My Teeth?
I take everything my dentist says with a grain of salt. I do this because I am pretty sure I am single-handedly paying for the new Mercedes she drives.
Recently she insisted I need a mouth guard. As much as I wanted to ignore her, just the thought of another root canal made me cough up the $300 quicker than you can say, “September lease payment due.”
As I spent time alternating between admiration and bitterness at my dentist’s fear/marketing tactics, I pondered the reasons I supposedly need a night guard, and I came up with the following:
1. There is nothing like hearing your 5-year-old sing, “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” to make you grind your teeth at night.
- 2. The fact that Ali was sitting on the couch supervising my child at the time only adds to my anxiety.
3. I suppose that videos of Nicole Scherzinger in next to nothing may also be to blame for the fact that a little boy in Maya’s class has been looking up all of the little girl’s skirts? I think I’ve worn away my enamel over this one.
4. The school’s solution to a 5-year-old peeping Tom is to tell all the girls to wear shorts underneath their dresses. This doesn’t exactly lull me to sleep at night.
5. And the fact that Ali’s reaction to the whole fiasco was a simple “hmm” is putting my TMJ into overdrive.
So I guess in the end it all comes down to this: my dentist is driving around in a luxury car thanks to a bunch of grown women who call themselves the Pussycat Dolls. Funny how things work, huh?