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an abstract pizza (maya guest post)

February 5, 2014

Last week my mom made pizza for dinner.

This may not seem remarkable to you but then again, you probably don’t have a perpetually empty fridge.

As an aside,* I’m not sure why our empty fridge seems to be such a problem? My mom would likely blame this on something really dumb, like the vortex. But when all is said and done, I think the truth is that NYC grocery stores give her massive anxiety.

Can’t really blame her on this one though, I mean who lines up outside of a Trader Joe’s in sub-freezing temperatures? Seriously, I need my frozen tandoori naan and fish sticks as much as the next person but not at the risk of freezing my toes off.

(*That was a long “aside.”)

My mom cut me out of the picture! Unbelievable.

This would be a good picture of us but my mom cut me out of the picture, likely because otherwise her hair wouldn’t fit. I know her tricks!

Anyway, back to the pizza. So my mom struggled with the pizza dough for a bit, but even I was impressed with the finished product – it was the most perfect rectangular shape! 

(We’ve never even seen a real circle around here so you’ll understand my shock and awe.)

Even more surprising was that she was able to make a professional looking pizza, despite the fact my dad and I kept trying to annoy her with comments like, “When is dinner going to be ready?” and my personal favorite, “I’m so hungry my stomach is eating itself right now.”

Dinner @ Capital Grille. Totally overrated and a gigantic waste of money. The fries were good, although my mom didn't touch those. She's crazy.

Dinner @ Capital Grille: Fries, Steak, Sea bass(?). This restaurant is totally overrated and a gigantic waste of money. The fries were good, although my mom didn’t touch those. I think she’s regretting it.

So the pizza was sitting on the stove cooling, along with the pizza cutter my mom bought from the $1 section at Target. (Another aside: if my mom exclaims one more time how well her $1 pizza cutter has held up over the past 5 years, I might lose it.) And almost immediately my dad and I lock eyes and instantly know what we have to do.

So when her back is turned, he takes the pizza cutter and hacks in. I mean, he cuts the most random pizza shape you can imagine! It’s abstract on a whole other level.

And then I take over and cut a random triangle from the very middle of the pizza, making VERY sure it’s not a 90 degree angle. Since my mom loves nothing more than a clean right angle, I aim for more of a 48 degree angle with completely uneven sides.

Lunch at Jojo's: Warm Chocolate Cake, Pancakes, Passion Pavlova, Vegetable Salad. My parents conveniently dropped me off at art and then enjoyed this meal.

Lunch at Jojo’s: Warm Chocolate Cake, Pancakes, Passion Pavlova, Vegetable Salad. My parents conveniently dropped me off at art and then enjoyed this meal.

When my mom finally turns around and looks at the pizza, I see her OCD going haywire! She’s not saying a word but it’s very clear she’s struggling internally with her “Need to let things go,” and the idea that she “Must allow me and my dad a little bit of autonomy if she ever wants us to grow up.”

It was hysterical.

But then what happened next wasn’t so hysterical – because she uttered words that shook me to my core. “I have to go to LA for a few days at the end of the week. I’m wondering what you two are going to do about dinner while I’m gone?”

She’s never left me with my dad before for more than just 12 hours. Ever. I am SO SCARED.

Not sure what else to say.

60 Comments leave one →
  1. February 5, 2014 1:53 am

    Maya – I reckon your mum trusts you guys enough to not self-destruct whilst she’s away. Which is why she made the very difficult decision to leave for a few days.

    Plus: I hear Target has utensils and Trader Joe’s has food, so you guys won’t starve, right?

    • February 6, 2014 6:24 pm

      I reckon I trust Maya…a bit more than Ali. 🙂

      I see lots of pizza and Subway stops in Maya’s near future.

  2. February 5, 2014 2:00 am

    The best post I have read in a long time!! lots of kisses and hugs Maya. You get your sense of humour from your mom! 😀

  3. February 5, 2014 2:24 am

    Hysterical. Good luck on your alone time. Hope it works out.

    • February 6, 2014 6:24 pm

      Thank you for your comment Sreejit! It’ll be interesting to say the least.

  4. February 5, 2014 3:41 am

    You can handle it. Just imagine the pizza art you could craft in the absence of her watchful eyes. Maybe consider a sly sneaky move like making sure the home is perfectly clean when she arrives home. Pro tip.

    • February 6, 2014 6:25 pm

      Pizza art would require someone to actually MAKE a pizza. I somehow don’t see Ali doing that. 🙂

  5. February 5, 2014 4:41 am

    LOVE this post. Maya, you are a natural blog writer. You are going to have a blast with your dad. And I think what Ellen is a great idea. ^^^^^^^^

    • February 6, 2014 6:25 pm

      A blast? I think she’ll have fun for maybe a day. But then I’m not so sure… 🙂

  6. February 5, 2014 6:18 am

    ha ha ha Maya you and your dad sure know how to drive your mom nuts, and you express it all so eloquently. 😉

    • February 6, 2014 6:26 pm

      On behalf of Maya, thank you for thinking Maya is eloquent!

  7. February 5, 2014 7:35 am

    Excellent post, Maya. Your mom and I share the same OCD tendencies. I wouldn’t haven’t remained as calm as she had. I would left the room and did some counting or something. I too would have cut your face out of the picture since my hair is my thing and it needs to be showcased vainly and proudly 😉

    • February 6, 2014 6:27 pm

      I should have left the room and done some counting. It would have been a while.

  8. shashi @ permalink
    February 5, 2014 7:42 am

    Haha – guess its your mom’s turn to put yall to the test 🙂
    Such a fun post – loved this!
    Sorry about all the bad weather yall have been hit by – food delivering drones would be awesome in these temps!

    • February 6, 2014 6:28 pm

      Thank you Shashi. 🙂

      I feel so so sorry for the food delivery people. They are truly amazing at what they do!

  9. February 5, 2014 7:43 am

    I love Maya posts! Don’t worry about your extended daughter-dad time. I will tell you the secret to it all – takeout!

    • February 6, 2014 6:28 pm

      Ali loves takeout…for a bit. But then he wants “home cooked” food! Funny how that would be more appealing right?

  10. Jessie E. permalink
    February 5, 2014 9:05 am

    Omg, I’m dying here. You are too funny, Amee– I mean, Maya 😉 Your account of the pizza hacking was just. awesome.

    I can’t wait to hear how the end of the week goes! Another guest post from Maya? 😀

    • February 6, 2014 6:29 pm

      Thanks Jessie. Maybe a guest post from Ali is in order?

  11. tandra permalink
    February 5, 2014 10:20 am

    This is the bestest and one of the most hilarious posts ever…I so agree with the internal struggle that mommy has to go through, I’m so on that page now !!! Maya you are too cute :-)…

    • February 6, 2014 6:29 pm

      Thank you Tandra…so nice to see a comment from you.

      Hope your “page” is going better than mine!

      • Tandra permalink
        February 10, 2014 1:07 pm

        I missed commenting on your blog and hearing comments from you. Though I religiously read all your posts :-)…hope I run into you someday in NYC, we just moved here and are yet to explore the City !

      • February 12, 2014 6:41 pm

        I had no idea that you’d moved here! I hope that the move went well. 🙂

        Thanks for reading!!

  12. February 5, 2014 12:56 pm

    I missed your post Maya..this is tooo funny.. I hope mama will stock up on naans and fish sticks while she is gone..or you know what just order pizza otherwise and you guys can have all the fun with shapes.

    • February 6, 2014 6:30 pm

      The fridge and freezer and VERY empty right now. This due to a flu that had me out of commission.

      I wish them lots of luck!

  13. February 5, 2014 1:29 pm

    Maya, you are hilarious. I miss you guys!

  14. February 5, 2014 9:25 pm

    Maya this is such a great post! I read it word by word and was laughing with you 🙂 I also love the frozen naan at trader joes. Have fun with your dad!

    • February 6, 2014 6:31 pm

      It’s the best naan ever! And I’m Indian, so I know my naan…

  15. February 5, 2014 9:34 pm

    Dear Maya,

    Make sure your mom leaves you with take out and delivery menus. Also, be sure your dad cleans the house before she comes home. Every. Last. Dish.

    Good luck!

    • February 6, 2014 6:32 pm

      The good thing is that my return coincides with the housekeeper’s visit Andrea! I’m thrilled already…

  16. February 5, 2014 10:22 pm

    I miss your posts! Sorry Ameena, but Maya might be a better writer than you. 😉

    Surprised that you made your own pizza, I must go to Target if this proclaimed $1 pizza cutter really worked for five years.

    Also, I agree with Andrea. Leave them with as many delivery menus as possible. Knowing your husband’s allergies to the cold, I do not suspect much going out for those two.

    • February 6, 2014 6:33 pm

      There are good things in the Target $1 section! Seriously, our pizza cutter is just one. 🙂

  17. seana permalink
    February 6, 2014 4:15 am

    Guest posts are great. Miss Maya has a great vocabulary and such a snarky sense of humor like her mom. So sad to see you and Daddy are to be left alone to fend for yourselves. I’m fairly certain Mom is going to miss you both while she is in LA. She won’t know what to do with herself in the warm weather. If you and Dad are bored, please drive 3 hours north of NYC and visit me. You can help me shovel out of the 13 inches of snow I got yesterday. I can cook and will make you dinner. Just don’t get too funny and mess up my food because I won’t be as nice as Mom about it.

    • February 6, 2014 6:34 pm

      13 inches? How on earth do you even start to shovel that?

      We had 5-6 I think and crossing the street was an exercise in balance and coordination. I almost slipped about 10 times.

      I’m sure by the end of the weekend Ali will be happy to send Maya over to help ….

      • seana permalink
        February 7, 2014 6:36 am

        We have a snowblower. John went out 3 times to keep up with it. He also did 2 other neighbor’s driveways. The one guy plows for a different town and gets called out at midnight and gets home late. The guy across the street had foot surgery and is using a scooter to barely get around the house. Not a fun day. If my husband had to go into the office, I am capable of doing our driveway, not fun, but I can do it with the snowblower and my ugly boots. (As a funny, I shouldn’t say this but we went to dinner at the scooter guy’s house last night-I made and brought dinner-he fell off the scooter…Yes, I can be snarky too)

      • February 12, 2014 6:42 pm

        You are the best neighbors! Dinner AND snow removal….amazing.

        A bit of snark is definitely excused. 🙂

  18. February 6, 2014 6:59 am

    Ha..ha…gotcha with that one eh!?? I don’t think your mom could’ve come up with a better punch line to your abstract-no-concern-for-her-OCD- pizza 🙂 I’m sure you guys will do great…there’s always takeaway…plus I see another blog post coming! Great job Maya…stay warm!

    ciao ciao

    Devaki @ weavethousandflavors

    • February 6, 2014 6:35 pm

      Lots of Subway sandwiches, Indian takeout, and microwaved chicken nuggets in Maya’s future…I fear this but must let go.

      It’s that OCD thing again…

  19. Hinna permalink
    February 6, 2014 9:55 am

    Great post Maya! Maybe you and your dad can make all the mess you want in the kitchen now trying out new stuff! How fun will that be!?! Give my regards to your parents! 🙂

    • February 6, 2014 6:35 pm

      Ali try things out in the kitchen Hinna? Clearly you don’t know Ali as well as I thought. 🙂

  20. February 6, 2014 12:11 pm

    I wish I could say the success of our cheapo cheese slicer could compare to the triumph of your $1 pizza slicer! That type of thing would totally drive me nuts too!!! The nerve of those rascals.

    • February 6, 2014 6:36 pm

      I’m sorry about the cheese slicer..can’t say we own one of those?? I guess we aren’t real cheese eaters. 🙂

  21. February 6, 2014 1:23 pm

    I love Maya’s guest posts! Its’ amazing how well you understand her perspective and can look at yourself through her eyes. On that thought, tried looking at myself through my son’s eyes and boy! Within a second, I could see a monster looming in front so, quickly snapped out of it. You’re an amazing mom.

    On your trip, let me hazard a prediction. You will come back to discover that the two of them got on amazingly well with homework, dinner, classes, etc. Whether they complete any of the former or not, the two of them enjoying their time together is assured. They WILL miss you and fix a fancy dinner, dessert, etc., waiting with bated breath for the minute you arrive. You will group hug with joy in that moment. What happens as you begin walking into the house, the number of socks, papers, towels, etc. you will trip on is another story. The state of the kitchen, would be the sequel 😀 LOL!!

    • February 6, 2014 6:37 pm

      I LOL’d at the “monster looming.” So funny. Boys are just SO different. Not that I have one but I really think they are easier and harder in so many ways.

      The greatest thing about my trip, MWAD, is that I return on the day that our housekeeper comes. So our place will be SPOTLESS! Can’t wait. 🙂

  22. Lydia permalink
    February 7, 2014 10:47 am

    I could just imagine and I admire your self control. I would go berserk 🙂 You deserve a “me” time! Enjoy it while you can.
    I have a feeling that Ali might be more scared than Maya 🙂 Would like to read his guest post about that. Have a safe trip to LA and enjoy the warm weather there.

    • February 12, 2014 6:39 pm

      A belated thank you Lydia…the warm weather was a nice change! Too bad I didn’t bring it back here with me.

  23. February 7, 2014 6:34 pm

    Woo hoo, a pizza?!! Good job mommy!!!
    *kisses* H
    p.s. note to Maya: learn to take deep breaths and then count to ten 🙂

    • February 12, 2014 6:39 pm

      A pizza, yes! Almost from scratch which is progress around here…

  24. glamorous glutton permalink
    February 9, 2014 11:42 am

    Great post, loved it Maya. As to spending more than 12 hours with your dad – take out and TV!!! GG

    • February 12, 2014 6:39 pm

      There is a TV limit of 1/2 hour a day…I wonder if Ali negotiated on that point?

  25. February 10, 2014 5:06 pm

    you are HILAREOUSSSs!!!!!!!!!! You must take after Mama.

  26. February 12, 2014 4:42 am

    Hahaha Maya, you’re a hilarious writer!

  27. February 16, 2014 9:18 am

    Hey Maya,
    Totally missed having you on the blog. So glad you are back to posting. Tell your mom a couple, OK 3 things.
    1. If one gets hungry enough, one’s stomach does tend to eat itself.
    2. Cutting triangles from the middle of the pizza is legit, especially if mom took her eyes off the pizza.
    3. Just cause mom is having a great hair day, does not mean she can cut you out of pictures.
    Lots of kisses to you Maya
    Write on! 🙂


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