the guilt
School started yesterday. But my rejoicing at the return of Schedule, Certainty, Order, and The After School Program was tempered by this:
Maya: “Most of my friends go home right after school is over. Why can’t you pick me up then too?”
I knew this was coming and yet I was still unprepared. Because how do I explain to Maya that a 2:39 pm pick up is impossible, mainly because:
- I have this selfish need to feel productive…and picking up her clothes and toys from the floor does not make me feel productive.
- I need constant validation and work provides me with that.
- The lure of a steady paycheck isn’t exactly a deterrent.
- Putting together a 15 page cash forecast, complete with a linked amortization schedule and macros galore comes far easier to me than explaining 2nd grade math concepts like “carrying the one.”
- And most importantly: one of my biggest fears is waking up one morning, realizing that Maya is 16 and doesn’t need me anymore, and that I’m 16 years behind everyone else career-wise.
I, of course, said none of these things. Because while I am mostly clueless when it comes to my child, I am at least not insanely thoughtless. So instead I simply told Maya that “Mama has to go to work, that’s why.”
Anyway, despite my dubiously sound and somewhat selfish reasons above, one thing is 100% certain: I will feel guilty every minute of every weekday from 2:39 pm until I pick up Maya from after school care.
And that’s a fact.
While I'm not going to win Mother/Wife of the Year Award anytime soon, I haven't killed anyone yet or shot myself in the head. And that, my friends, is how I calculate success these days. 
FANCY THAT FANCY THIS 
Hmm. I’m surprised “most of her friends” go home…I thought a household with everybody working was the norm these days. I also think that when Maya is older she’ll appreciate that you worked more. I had a stay-at-home mom and in some ways wished I had the working-woman model as an influence.
My mom stayed home so it just seems like I should too. So this is a really interesting perspective!
I guess being still on the kid’s side, I cannot fully empathise with you on feeling guilty, but I understand that you would feel that way. I’m sure my mum felt the same way too. She was working when my siblings and I were in kindergarten, then she stopped working but once we were old enough (when my youngest brother was in 3rd grade, I think) went back to join the work force again. But I remember never feeling lonely or neglected even when I was really young, because she always gave us some quality time in the end of the day. I’m sure it was more than hectic, managing 3 little piggies like us!
Anyway, I guess spending some quality time, no matter how much/little/often, will tighten your bond with Maya and you both will always have memories to think back to and smile about 🙂 Maya is a lucky girl to have a mum who cares about the time with her as much as you do!!!
Your mom must be a star…to work and have 3 kids? I have just one and I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Thank you for the compliment and for the great comment. I loved reading it!
I will not feel anything wrong from Maya’s side if she was a kid, since I had experienced this kind of thoughts during my childhood school going ages. But it’s a matter of fact that, she is a TEEN who must have much maturity in all respects according to my views. I wish, you could ask her queries regarding her age and the way she should keeps some maturity as I mentioned above. Have a great day ahead. Cheers.\m/ 🙂
Rahul
I wonder if I’ll still be working when Maya is a teen? Hopefully she’ll be mature enough that I won’t have to keep a close eye on her. 🙂
I heard that kids that go to Afterschool programs actually have better relationships with their parents because they appreciate them more! haha. And vice versa. 😛
Really? I think I love this study!
I’m also suprised to find that most of her friends go home! Throughout school, my mom was (and still is!) a driven, hardworking, jetsetting career woman. Some of my friends found it weird tnhat my mom was travelling abroad all the time and came back at home late, while their moms were always at home, waiting for them at the bus stop etc etc. But Maya will see the commitment you bring to everything you do and appreciate it when she is older. She will understand the value. And she will know that hard work and balance are what counts when it comes to taking care of your family. And at the end of the day it’s about quality time!
I really admire your mom for being a jetsetter. So curious who took care of you when your mom was traveling and working long hours?
If it helps any most moms feel guilty about one thing or another .
Yes…this seems to be the case doesn’t it?
My mom worked my entire k-12 and I never held a grudge to her 🙂
I’m so glad to hear this!!
I know it’s hard not to feel guilty, but if you give up your work, you’ll feel resentful. Especially when they grow up and really don’t need you any more! I know b/c I did that, gave up 15 years of work to raise my kids, and while it was wonderful, it didn’t feel productive (picking up toys, feeding, changing diapers, etc). Maybe just mindlessly productive…. When I tried to enter the workforce at an advanced age (!) and having a 15-year gap on my resume, it didn’t go over too well! Keep doing what you’re doing Ameena! It’s great!! 🙂
It’s so great to get validation Cat! I’m sorry you had a tough time going back after 15 years…did you eventually find a way to get back into your field?
I went back to school at 50, got a Master’s in a new field, International Commerce & Policy, at 52, in 2008 when the US economy was tanking! I applied for 250 jobs and only got about 5 interviews and never got a job in my field. I guess no one wants to hire someone over 50 to start at the bottom, esp. someone with a 15 year gap on their resume! That’s why I’m teaching ESL abroad!
You cannot feel guilty for wanting to participate in the effort to provide for your family. Please don’t!!!!
So the truth is that I don’t work because I want to contribute…sad but true!
Ameena, don’t feel guilty. I honestly think Maya is going to understand when she gets older and will appreciate the fact that you decided to work. My mom was a working mother most of our childhood and I really do credit that in part to who I am today.
From what I read on here, May’s childhood is still full of fun, happiness, and laughter – that’s all that matter!
I’m so glad that your mom working was a good thing for you! Thanks for sharing that. 🙂
Growing up, my mom always worked, even though very few of the other moms in town had to—there was even a time when she had two jobs and was going to grad school on the weekends (something my dad often tried to make her feel guilty about). As I got older, I was really proud that my mom had a career and admired her for sticking to her guns about following her passions.
So curious why your dad made her feel guilty? I sometimes feel like Ali is doing the same thing but then I wonder if it’s just my own guilty conscience that’s seeing something that isn’t there?
Hah well I can’t speak for Ali, but I get the sense that in my dad’s case, he felt threatened by my mom’s success. A lot of men can’t fend for themselves, and when a woman is bright and hardworking and goes after what she wants, they don’t know how to handle it. I love my dad, but not that part of his personality.
She’ll respect you for it when she’s older. I think it’s great you keep up with your career!
Thanks Kacy…I hope she respects me instead of resents me!
I think you really do a great job balancing your career and maya. but i can imagine the guilt just comes with the territory. 😦
Thanks Daisy…I appreciate your saying so!
Wow, the school year starts early eh? My husband (a teacher) doesn’t start back until after labour day.
And most importantly: one of my biggest fears is waking up one morning, realizing that Maya is 16 and doesn’t need me anymore, and that I’m 16 years behind everyone else career-wise. <– This is so true.
This year school started earlier than normal as they try to get kids on a new school track…
I got the reverse complaint during the last school year. “Why do I have to come home at 2:30 when all my friends get to stay in the after-school program till 6?”
I know what you mean about not wanting to give up your career. I bowed out of corporate America 2 years ago to freelance from home, so I feel like I’m keeping current, work-wise. But I do think about going back often.
How funny! I wonder if Maya would want to stay if she didn’t have to stay? 🙂
I feel that guilt already and Sawyer can’t even talk!
Oh and work totally validates me too 😉
So glad you get my whole need for validation!
What’s hard to accept is when she turns 16, and says: “Mum, thanks but no thanks, I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself”. OOWW I dread your position (of the future).
I secretly can’t wait for that moment. 🙂
What’s hard to accept is that women feel often guilty when we meet every one of our loved ones “needs.” But this differentiation, your time away from her, helps not only fuel you, but allows her independence and exploration outside of the home…it’s practice for later!
I love that you love what you do. I want all girls to know that working is fun, and rewarding.
So true…I think that my working has forced her to be independent and fearless. I love that about her!
There must be some friends at the after school care place …
Also, I can’t believe they are back at school already! I go back on the 29th to prep for the kids for 3 days, and then the kids don’t come back until Sept. 4th. I wish we got out at 2:39 though! Kids are in our schools until 3:30. What time does school start in the morning for Maya? Do they get an hour lunch?
She has loads of friends in after school…I’m not even sure she minds being there. The question still bothered me…
Maya starts at 8:20 so maybe that’s why they get out earlier? And I’m guessing their lunch is 30 minutes or so?
First off, love that candid pic of you and Maya. I didn’t know Ali is good on taking candid.
Maya already started school? Wow, that’s faster than around here where I live. I know how you feel. I feel guilty almost all the time too. But to stay at home is just not me, plus couldn’t afford it yet. I think Maya is just not used to be back to school again and she misses having you around. Once she sees all her besties again, I’m sure she probably doesn’t want you to pick her up that early.
My son won’t start school until after Labor Day. To be honest it does not feel any different though because he is now playing football and its practice is from 6 to 8:30 PM! Every.single.day from July until the end of August. Then once school starts it will “only” be 3 days a week (it’s like that I’m not suffering enough with his early morning hockey practices in the winter, which strangely enough I’m kind of looking forward to it now. Weird I know). Sorry, didn’t mean this to be comments about myself.. 🙂
This year school started abnormally early. Usually it’s mid-September but for some reason they have us on a new school track that starts and ends earlier.
And you can comment about anything you’d like! It’s great to read what life is like for other moms!
Don’t feel bad! Kids always want something different. Growing up I pitched a fit because my mom didn’t work and I wanted to stay for the after school program like all of my friends. 😉
same here! She is lucky to have such a loving mom. xxoo
No kidding? I love that. Maybe the grass is always greener…
I’m going back to teaching next week, and am kind of dreading it. I didn’t think it would be hard, but it IS, even though I know it’s what’s best– but I keep thinking, “It’s what’s best for ME, but is it best for Lila?” I’m not sure. I guess I’ll never know.
Any interest in a day time M.A. Program? Maybe just 2 classes a semester? Would be productive but perhaps a more flexible schedule, and would fill in the gap of time on the resume for a few years.
Sorry posted that in the wrong place
I can move your comment…just let me know where. 🙂
I will say that being an educator and a mother is usually a good combination schedule-wise. I hope that things go better than you think they will!
Here’s your explanation to Maya if she asks again: “One word. Amortization.” With any luck, she’ll repeat it at school around her teacher and sound like a flippin’ genius and you’ll win Mom of the Week. 😉
In all seriousness, though, I think every mom probably has some kind of guilt, whether they stay at home or work. Guilt is a useless emotion, though. Maya knows you love her and want the best for her and that’s all that matters!
Guilt is a very useless emotion…I know this and yet I spend 75% of my day feeling guilty.
Whichever you do, stay at home or work, there’s a reason to feel guilty. A big advantage for me is being able to knowledgeably contribute to career/university choices. A fulfilled mum is worth so much more to Maya than a bored frazzled one. GG
I’m a hybrid – a frazzled, fulfilled mom! And yes…the guilt is everywhere.
whoa, that fourth bullet point made my head spin ha! cute photo!
Thanks Brooklyn!
I think you’re setting a good example. You’re working to provide Maya with all those adorable shoes and outfits, and you know, food. All good things.
Both my parents worked too, and even though my mom taught at my elementary school, she was never done at the same time as we were, and we usually went home with a babysitter. That’s kind of just the way it was, and I never thought anything of it.
So if Maya knows no differently then maybe she’ll be okay. This is an interesting idea…
that is insanely early to get out of school! i just did after school stuff until i could get picked up. don’t feel guilty! you are a great mom 🙂
Thank you my friend. Good to know that others think 2:39 is absurdly early!
I’d tell you not to feel guilty but you will anyways but I will say this. You are more than a mom. You are a working mom so that type of thing is inevitable. That steady pay check helps to provide some amazing things in Maya’s life though she might be too young to really “get” that. You are happier and therefore a better mom when you nurture your interests and your career as well.
Thanks CeCe….love the insights. I do think that I’m much happier as a working mom. And yes, you are also right that I will continue to feel guilty! 🙂
I love being at home, but then there’s guilt that I don’t contribute financially. My husband is happy to work twice as hard so I don’t have to, but I will always have a nagging voice that tells me I should do more. I loved having a mom that didn’t work and even if my kids don’t fully grasp it, I love the calmness it provides for our family.
I think you are an amazing mom. I can see that by your amazing kids. If I was as good with Maya I’d stay home too! I mean that.
Don’t fee guilty! Either experience has positives and negatives. There is no right way. Maya will be fine!
Thanks Stacie…you are so right about both sides having positives and negatives.
Ugh, unfortunately, I completely relate to this. I already feel guilt and my kid isn’t even in school. For me, it’s taking care of him and then realizing that I’d rather be working sometimes.
I share your thoughts…sometimes, on the weekends I think of how much I’d rather be at work! Terrible but true.
Aw…
Oh, I praise the glory of an aftercare program, and a full summer camp that is full day programs too. My mom (who worked when I was growing up, but we lived with my g’parents so I was always supervised at home) would guilt me by asking me why I would send my kid to summer camp, especially the whole 10 weeks when I had it off too (am a teacher). Um, because mama needs her time too. Actually, it’s great for the kids because they learn socialization and all those other key words. There is a god because aftercare exists. (Actually we love our aftercare b/c the first hour is homework time. I usually don’t have to sit at home and try to help her with her math -which, much as I love and adore my beautiful, wonderful child, she royally sucks at math. And I royally don’t have the patience to teach that subject.
You go on with you guiltfree self, it’s all good.
It appears that Maya is not so good at math either. My brother thinks its too soon to form a judgment on this one but I can sort of see a train wreck down the road. This is ironic seeing as math is all I really do know.
Love your comments as always my friend.
I know how it feels. When I was a kid, my siblings and me too used to crib about it. We used to feel bad when our mom came back from office at 6 in the evening. But slowly, I realized how our upbringing made us completely independent. Unlike our friends, we were never dependent on mom for our small chores.
And now, when I am a grown up and working, I can never think of quitting my job. It gives me an identity. I guess I can relate well to Maya as well as you 🙂
I can imagine how bad your mom felt…so glad that you now think the whole situation was a good thing. I hope that Maya eventually does too!
If you did not value yourself or acknowledge your selfworth, you would be failing in your responsibility in teaching her to do the same. Believe me, she is going to be proud of you one day and grateful too 🙂
Thank you Madhu…I do hope so. And your comment makes me think this actually might be the case!
I feel guilty when I can’t pick my nephew up right after school on days I have him so I get you.
She’ll make it though 😉
I think she will make it through…hopefully she won’t hate me in the process. 🙂 And how nice of you to pick up your nephew!
I completely understand the idea of waking up when Maya is 16 and being 16 years behind everyone else. I know that usually I leave light-hearted, soul-sister type comments on the blog but today let’s go serious.
When Maya is 16 (all of the huffing and sighing and sulking and eye rolling aside, God bless teenagers), she is going to be a young woman who is very keenly starting to understand the full weight of the blessed life she lives. Ameena, even though right now you’re the smartest mom because you can carry a mean one, someday she’s going to think that you’re the smartest mom because you made her a priority and worked at something you’re passionate about and found the time to fit it all in. She will be very proud of you as she grows up because you showed her that while compromise has to exist, if you’re willing to commit to the things that you truly love you can have it all.
Kat…love your usual comments…love this one even more. First off, you capture Maya at 16 with such eloquence! But even better, you make me feel like I am actually remotely successful in my attempt to have it all. And I love that you think that about me. So thank you. 🙂
For what it’s worth, I don’t think your reasons are selfish at ALL Having a sane and happy and fulfilled mom is a very important thing to provide for your kid.
Jeena…this is worth a lot. Kind of crazy how much your comments always validate me.
Guilt is a mother’s accessory.
And totally besides the point, but did anyone else mention that it looks like you have a witch’s face in this picture? I think it’s a tree that blends with your hair giving you a grey distorted face.
Because you obviously don’t look like a witch IRL. 🙂
I do look a bit like a witch in real life. I think I act like one too. Ali can attest to this I’m sure!
–You are a girl after my own heart. So MUCH love your honesty. x
Thanks my friend. So much love yours. 🙂
Ah, I’m sure Maya understands you need to go to work. If not, it is an important lesson for her to learn. On the flip side, you are presenting her with a strong role model (you) with a fabulous work ethic. That’s a really important thing to provide a child. So don’t feel guilty. (And if you do feel guilty, eat chocolate.)
I do feel guilty and then eat chocolate. And then feel even MORE guilty. 🙂 The chocolate is a problem.
I am always amazed for those working moms who could still balance their work and family time and you are no exception on this 🙂 I’m pretty sure it’s not an easy task and as Maya gets older and could understand the whole situation, she will appreciate whatever you’ve done for her.
Thanks Jos…I really do hope so! And thanks for the great comment, as always.
As a new mom this is my biggest guilt now days, to leave my 6 months old at home and head to office is heartbreaking. Btw you have got an amazing blog and I am simply in awe of your writing.
I remember leaving Maya at 6 months to go back to work. First off, I was thrilled to leave her because she cried nonstop that first year. But the guilt? Was about 20X more than I have now.
It gets easier, if it’s any consolation. A little easier every year.
And thank you for the very kind compliment. I appreciate it.
This reminds me of that article in The Atlantic, http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/
It’s a shame that as women we have to feel torn between being good parents and being at the top of our game career-wise. I can totally see your point about not wanting to be behind in 16 years. But like many said, I doubt that she is the only one not picked up by a parent.
For what it’s worth, I was often the one kid left waiting for my or forced to “just walk, it’s not that far!” and I turned out just fine. Ha!
As for parenting…I am far too lazy so I just opted not to have kids & focus on my career…but I feel guilty about that decision all the time.
I admire you and from what I can see you have a good work/life balance.
Can you write me a flow chart for my distribuition/cash-flow conundrums? I am teaching myself how to write these documents and it’s taking too long to learn!!!
My brother had forwarded this article to me last week…really interesting.
I admire your decision to focus on your career…I think it’s not an easy choice to make, especially since people have a whole lot to say when they find out someone doesn’t want children.
And your flow chart? I’d be happy to help…math is really the only thing I DO know. 🙂
My daughter has asked the same question. I tell her that while I can’t be there early every day, on special occasions I can pick her up early. When I feel guilty, I remind myself that I’m a happier mom because I work and it’s about quality time! Enjoy these last couple weeks before school starts!
School has already started! Which means that I can breathe a sigh of relief that things are now on a schedule.
man, it’s so much work raising a kid. it just never ends until they go to college. yeah, i understand your reasons for working, it’s important, and in this day and age, cooking and cleaning doesn’t bring the same level of satisfaction as a steady job. totally get it.
It’s so nice that others can understand how I feel about working!
Well, one way to not feel so guilty… is that she could make new friends in after care. I know a lot of friends who have children in aftercare, because of work needs and the kids end up enjoying it once they get used to it.
I think Maya does enjoy after care most of the time, but she sees her friends going home before her…which doesn’t make her happy. It’s hard to justify!!
I hope you don’t feel guilty – I’m sure she will find an after-school activity she enjoys!
Thanks my friend…the guilt doesn’t seem to go away but I’m working on it.
My mom was a first generation feminist, she worked fulltime during my childhood. I learned independence, self-reliance from it. I wouldn’t change anything about it. No resentment here.
Stacie…it is SO great to read this! Seriously, I am hoping that Maya is also super independent and self-reliant and the fact that you have no resentment? The icing on the cake. Thanks for sharing.
Wanna know what’s funny about this? When my work schedule outside the home was bananas, my kids were always begging me to come get them for this or that, or have lunch at school and I. Felt. So. Bad. Cause I couldn’t. Now that they have me at home, they ASK to go to afterschool (like they think they’re missing something). And they obviously miss that extra income cushion because there are times that my little guy asks when I’m going back to work. Just like I blow my super curly hair out straight, we all want the version of things we don’t have. And we all feel guilty. So no worries. Have a great weekend, Ameena!
So funny….they want to go to after school? The grass is always greener I guess.
And yes…I chemically straighten my curly hair so I totally get where you are coming from with the hair thing…
At least you are honest about why you work and need to… I say it’s quality time you spend with your kids not quantity… You will find other ways to make it up to her… Eventually one day she will appreciate everything you as a parent provide and do for her…
Thanks for such a thoughtful comment Laila…I do hope that she does understand my need to have a job! One day at least…
Thanks Laila for the thoughtful comment…it’s so nice of you to say these things!
I just feel that women shouldn’t stop being themselves just because they become mothers… yeh there are those that are happy to stay at home and be with their children 24/7 and some who can afford to.. then they’re are those who wish to be more than just a mother and stay at home housewife… We don’t stop being who we are just because we have become mothers… many are happier working and kids are happy too because they have a mother who is doing other times… like i said before it’s the quality of time spent with Maya thats important not how much time you spend with her.
My sister has her daughter in after school care and summer school while she works… the things they do are amazing and the places they visit.. hill climbing, swimming, visiting museums, adventure parks and she often says where i would i find the time to do all this with her or the energy… so your child gains so much in other ways too…
You’re setting a good example, showing her that you can have a career and still be a good Mom. She’ll appreciate that more as she gets older!
Thank you Fran! So glad to hear that others think I’m on the right track …
You know what? I get it. I don’t have kids but I get it. Maybe for different reasons… but I really value my me time… I REQUIRE time to do the things I love even if that thing is sitting in silence. I really extra special get it right now, too. I have a new found respect for parents as a result of my new job (Waldorf School) in which I am working mostly with toddlers and all kids under the age of 7. I am loving my job, but when I get home, I sigh relief at my time. I find myself constantly wondering how the other employees there mostly have kids that they go home to… I have been asking how they get their “me” time and have so much respect for going from one group of kids and needs to another.
I think it’s awesome that you know what your needs are and honor them.
I hope all is well,
Currie
I just found your comment in my Spam folder…so sorry I didn’t reply sooner.
I completely understand how teachers might find it hard to have kids of their own. Because then it’s just basically taking care of kids all day long! I can’t imagine. I love your honesty and this comment. Thanks so much for taking the time to write this!