trying too hard
My always generous mother-in-law gave me a new handbag a while back. One I didn’t “debut” until recently. I wore it to a baby shower this past weekend…a shower that was beautiful on so many levels.
Gorgeous venue. Gorgeous decor. Gorgeous mother-to-be.
It was one of those rare days when my hair was behaving, I had something new to wear, and even though I was wearing heels I didn’t feel like Big Bird.
For a change I felt – dare I say it – put together?
But as the afternoon progressed and more guests started arriving, each one prettier than the last and dripping in their own new clothes and designer bags and expensive shoes, I began to feel that familiar awkward feeling again. And suddenly the beautiful handbag just seemed all wrong. All wrong for me. All wrong for the baby shower.
When I got home I did a bit of soul-searching. Was I reliving the nightmare of high school and wearing something just to fit in? Was my inferiority complex ever going to do a disappearing act? And if so, would it happen before I’m too old and senile to differentiate Chanel from Target’s best?
I have no answers…but what I do know is that the gorgeous bag went back into its dust cover and back into my closet. For now.
The bag will make a comeback for sure. Just on a day when I’m not trying so hard to be something I’m not.
While I'm not going to win Mother/Wife of the Year Award anytime soon, I haven't killed anyone yet or shot myself in the head. And that, my friends, is how I calculate success these days. 
FANCY THAT FANCY THIS 
You have one of the most generous mother-in-laws ever! That bag is insane!
On another note, I know exactly how you feel. Whenever I get a sense I’me trying to be something I’m not, I feel out of place. Like high school and its never ending competition.
I’m sure you looked incredible!
Don’t keep that bag in its dust cover too long 😉
That bag is gorgeous – Have your husband take you out for date night somewhere fancy and wear it…don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. You are beautiful 🙂
Your MIL is amazing – and so are you! Hold your head high because if there’s one thing I have ever learned, if you have enough confidence, it doesn’t matter who you are, what your’e wearing, or what you look like!
Just reading your post gave me the uncomfortable feelings of insecurity that I had when I was in high school and I definitely didn’t like it!
Much as I hate to say this ::sigh:: I’m probably closer to your MIL’s age than yours. Trust me, it gets better. In fact, it gets to a point where you settle into yourself so perfectly that you can go where you want in what you want, feeling however you wish to feel without any of those nasty insecurities popping up.
One thing I’ve learned is that if people are concentrating on that kind of thing and I don’t measure up externally, I focus on the internal and really spend time engaging those around me in conversation about THEM. They get so surprised that someone cares about something more than bags and clothes that they don’t even notice mine (or lack thereof).
The bag is beautiful! But if you feel awkward wearing it, by all means, put it away until you find the perfect way to accessorize with it.
I think that’s why I gave up on being trendy. I can’t keep up with it. Nor do I feel comfortable enough to pull off the clothes. I feel much better (and think it makes me look better) in my classic staples. And as long as my jeans fit right and show off my booty in the right way, I’m a happy girl. 🙂
If you need someone to take that bag off your hands, I’d be happy to step in. 🙂
I often feel like that when I go home now and go to social events– people are talking about things I don’t care about, wearing things I can’t afford…it just doesn’t feel like ME.
Oh daaaaahling, these are your insecurities talking. I have the same problem. Tell them to just shut the F up. Always hold your head high and put a smile on your face, even if you aren’t feeling it. Hold your designer bag proudly (it’s a woman’s suit of armour after all) and freaking work it! You rock, and I bet so many of those ladies are looking at you and you probably make them insecure too. Women are just that way.
*kisses* HH
Oh, friend! For what it’s worth, I think you’re beautiful. I have no idea how you manage to be a mother and look so put together. And be so calm on top of it all. She gave you the bag because she saw that it was perfect for you. And I’m guessing all the women at the baby shower would agree. Can’t wait to see the bag make another appearance soon 🙂
That is a gorgeous bag and a very, very kind mother-in-law. I find myself trying to be something I’m not if I’m with certain people. I have to remind myself that if they don’t like me how I am, then I don’t like them. A bit childish, but whatever.
Man, LA sounds so different than Boston (where people will wear snow boots to a bar… don’t judge – we just got 18″ of snow). I’m sure it’s easy for me to say, but you are totally gorgeous (and have great accessories). If the women at the shower don’t see that, they’re bozos!
😦 I (all too well) know the feeling of just not feeling ‘good’ enough and it sucks. I think you are beautiful, but you really have to see that for yourself. Just know that no one was judging you except for yourself. We are absolutely our own worst critic!
You have got a ton of cute purses! So lucky. But I bet the purse was just fine. Whatever shower it was sounds just lavish enough for the nicest purse. I do know what you mean. I just got a new coach purse and I actually felt conspicous when I first used it. Like, it was way too nice for the likes of me. And when I feel very put together I don’t want to really be noticed too much. But you are good enough to have any expensive thing you want so go for it and don’t be afraid to strut your stuff!!
I wonder if we women ever outgrow that feeling. Its just a woman thing I guess. But over the years I have given up on trying to be achieve ” the trendiest girl” in the party thing, which makes dressing up much less pressure. But there are bags and clothes I have stuffed away for times I feel for them!
Ameena, I so know this feeling! That said, you are a lovely, lithe woman of many talents and a delicous sense of humor. The hostess is fortunate to have you as a guest imho.
Don’t let your high school insecurities get to you, you could have worked that bag w/o being that person who is “designer” obsessed. You wore the heels and everything, so next time realize that bags and shoes and clothes are just accessories and I’m sure you’re not the type who is defined by them. You would look amazing in Target’s best or Chanel’s best!
sometimes it’s not even high school…
the last baby shower (besides mine) I went to was in fact my last in a looooooooong while.
My sister in law (to be) was having her bridal shower slash baby shower and I came to it.
I didn’t know anyone except my mom so I was a little nervous. SO nervous that instead of trying to “fit in” and wear something I don’t even know was in fashion, I changed at the last minute into my ME clothes. Something of a casual friday look for me. Slacks, pressed button up shirt (and sneakers)because that’s me.
no one batted an eye (and yes the home was filled with beatuiful, YOUNG, STYLISH ladies and my MOM shows up after a shopping spree to Nordstrom…wearing god knows what….not her usual HER stuff…and flaunted around like a peacock…all while ignoring me and batting me looks like I embarrassed her.
I left crying. I snuck out.
my own MOM.
so the whole “mean girls” school thing doesn’t always apply to school.
not in my case anyways.
I simply cannot fathom you being anything less than 100 percent amazing, poised, graceful and beautiful.
I have learned to be me and love it, and in those weaker moments when I feel a tad out of place I remind myself it’s just old tapes playing in my head
(or my mother’s looks)
LOVE YA and rock that bag sista!
I wish I had one!
xoxoxox
I’m sorry but I loved that bag! I even commented on it to Yas! Keep wearing it!
mmmmmmm- aside from the fact that inferiority complexes and insecurity and whatnot is all mental and can only really be remedied by some serious soul-searching, self-refecltion & love and maybe even a good book or two, if compliments WERE a good fix for inferiority then yours would be fixed instantly because Ameena, i swear to god, even if you don’t believe/feel/see it you ARE the woman who walks into the room and makes other women feel insecure. period. hands down. done. own it.
Oh Ameena, as gorgeous as that bag is, I think you’re even more gorgeous! Bags, shoes, jewelry, they’re all material things to make a person look beautiful. In my eyes, I don’t think you need any of that because you’re already beautiful inside and out. Truly, your beauty shines through from LA to Edmonton everytime we have our little chats or comments. I don’t need to meet you to know what a beautiful wife, daughter, mother, sister, and person you really are (although I’d love to one day). If I think that much of you and I haven’t even met you, imagine what all those people who have met you would think. So head up and strut proud my dear friend. Big hugs from Canada!
PS
Would your mother in-law be looking to adopt a Chinese woman by any chance? 😉
No matter what bag you’re wearing, you’re a goregous person from the inside out! Believe it, sweetie! XO
I’ve never had occasion to feel that feeling, but I often ponder expensive garments and wonder how people keep from worrying about ruining them. My practicality will never die!
Your mother in law is incredible, and that purse is gorgeous. But you shouldnt have to try so hard. I think you’re awesome just as you are.
I can’t differentiate Chanel from Target’s best. So I guess being an old, senile woman makes you like a man.
Oh Ameena, I don’t get it…You are amazing and you should know this by now!!!
The key to beauty is confidence and light, meaning letting your light shine…People are only truly beautiful if we can see their light. We see your light here, so bag or no bag, show your light!
Hugs,
Alisha
I imagine the rest of the woman admiring you for your beauty brains and bag of course and not liking themselves. That insecurity runs in LA drinking water so you can work on your resolution more or move to middle USA where no one can tell what Chanel is (they probably think it’s coach). Wherever you are you and your bag will be a source of envy but behind closed doors.
As long as material things don’t change who you are and how you act, there is nothing wrong with enjoying them! And that purse is much too beautiful to be hidden in a closet!
i think that is a pretty stunning bag. for a pretty stunning lady. i second (or third or fourth) that ali should take you out where you can dress to the nines. or just wait until i take a trip to CA and then i can take you out on a date 😉
you are too good to for some desiegner bags or clothes to make you feel any wrong, let it be the most lavish celebration ever. there are moments we feel like that. the best part we know that is not right.
i don’t know what people at that baby shower thought all i know is i look forward to what you write twice a week, i love how you try to balance things and i like that your are friendly and graceful. that is what matters to me SO YOU ARE AWESOME! to me.
I know this issue so well! For this reason I always dress inconspicuously because I feel a very strong need to immediately disappear or direct the attention away from myself when too many people are looking at me. Welcome to Awkwardville! I live here. Nice to be neighbors with you! 😀
Hmm, can I borrow the bag?…just until you need it back?…
I guess I never really have that problem where I am because I live in the middle of nowhere and everyone is different so there is not really anyone I would judge myself against or compare myself with. I think I live in a bubble on this island. But thinking back to high school, this describes it, totally!
SSOOooo, you think your mother in law is looking to adopt an Aussie 🙂 Anyone who shares the love with a bag like that is my hero girlfriend 😉
Re: Not Fitting In: I guess we’ve all been there Sista, in fact I doubt there’s a woman alive who hasn’t stood in your shoes at some point when even our best war paint can disguise your inner ‘ick’ from you….., but guess what….. NO ONE else can see what your feeling Lovely…, the rest of the world sees the beautifully put together you that left the house!!! I know, I know…., its weird….. but I’ve tested this theory so often I know its true.
Now go get that bag out of its dust cover & plan an event befitting such marvels…, Go Get ‘Em Tiger 🙂
when i say i love that bag, i mean…i would have to have the koolaid smile surgically removed from my face if i ever got a gift like that. my MIL is great but that is not something that will ever happen. think of it this way, at least you arent one of those snotty urbanites who feel superior to other people based on their purse/car/home…your humility is a fresh breath of air =). now go rock that bag!!!!
You write beautifully Ameena.I can so so relate to what you have said.I feel insecure even when going to Walmart and try to get atleast lip gloss and eyeliner if not full scale makeup.You pulled off a whole party!When I first landed on the airport some 2 years back,I was dressed my best and then when I compared my reflection to a lady in the washroom mirror,something broke inside me 🙂 I learn new things here each day,people notice even a single unwanted growth on your face to the cut of your denims to the inches in your heels.I know for sure though,u wont be more clumsy than me 🙂 That hand bag is soo pretty.
I know this is a really random comment, but I love your writing – it is simple, honest and very engaging. I love it!
1. I’m drooling over that bag. OMG, Ameena. I mean seriously, you kill me.
2. My philosophy on fashion/style/being put together is this: If you feel good in what you’re wearing and the cut/color flatters you, then the rest is just noise. To say it differently, Some people look great in clothing from WalMart. Some people look great in DVF. If your personal style is really You, then nothing else matters. If that means the Chanel goes on Holiday for a bit, so be it.
a slammin bag, but I understand how you feel.
You are gorgeous Ameena. As much as I love your self deprecating humour, I also hope you realize that you are beautiful, talented and smart…no need to fall into the comparison trap because you are NOT inferior to anyone, nor are you awkward. I’m a bit of a hypocrite though because I can be so shy and feel so awkward myself.
Whatever. C’est la vie, right? At least we try.
Love the bag! You have one classy mother-in-law, not to mention that I find your style (from what I have seen on your blog) very classy as well :).
Definitely know what you mean with that feeling though…when I attended my cousin’s wedding in Saudi Arabia I went in thinking I looked amazing/polished…and then nine million Valentino couture-clad perfectly coiffed, made-up, and diamond-adorned 22 year olds waltzed in air kissing each other, eyeing one another’s figures and my self esteem shuddered to the ground being the half-breed in a BCBG dress having done my own hair and make up. Yup. And add to that that half of these girls were from the royal family…real princesses.
i had a louis vuitton purse that my aunt gave me – every time i wore it it just felt so…not me! i wound up consigning it.
Been there. Don’t put the bag away. It was a gift and meant to be used and loved. My mother had china that she rarely used and one day after getting new cupboards (that apparently weren’t put in right) we all heard a crashing sound. All the china was smashed to bits. From that day forward no matter how nice something is I use it…..all the time. You never know, especially with 3 kids, how long it will last.
I truly think that we can pull off more styles, bags, etc. than we think we can.
How often do you see a woman and think about how effortless and chic she looks but tell yourself that you could never look like that? I used to be like that until I realized that she’s probably walking around thinking about how her whole outfit is all wrong! It’s just that she’s not showing her insecurity, so she seems to pull it off with ease.
I would bet money that some of those ladies you thought looked prettier were dying with jealousy over your new Chanel, super envious of the volume of your hair, thinking about how their outfit choices were off somehow and that they could never look as fabulous as you!
Lastly, it is a true disservice to the world that you aren’t out there showing people the beauty of that bag 🙂
I think you are pretty amazing for being so in tune with your feelings. It’s important to do what feels right, and at the right time. But I also do think there is room to push ourselves a little and seeing where that goes. You wore it, it felt kind of wrong. Maybe do another experiment in a couple of weeks?
That bag is gorgeous! But I think it’s the perfect accompaniment for such a classy, pretty lady like yourself.
I know how it feels though. I somehow seem to wind up at parties where I feel completely disconnected. Or that my shoes aren’t nice enough. Or my feet need a pedicure. But most of the time, I’m happy to work a slightly rugged look. I have my boots and a leather bag that may look simple and dull, but the actual leather and stitching are of super high quality. I feel smug knowing my bag will last longer than the knockoffs some people buy just to kinda sorta fit in.
And thank you so much for the M&S recommendation! I LOVE it!
You are amazing 🙂 Just thought you needed to hear that!
Jen
some designer bags are quite pretty but its hard for me to purchase something when the price tag would wipe out my bank account. its a tough decision to make..theres definitely gonna be some stigma people have when they see someone with a designer bag. u cant help but think about that persons ego, no matter how opposite it is to what we’re thinking. but in the end, as long as a bag is a bag and not a status..like paris hilton’s chihuahua lol, then it’s all good 😀
I love this Ameena! It shows a different side to your writing. Still witty, charming, funny – but also something thoughtful and provoking there…gives us a little more insight into YOU.
And – I just wanted you to know that your comment on my post made my day 🙂
that is such a beautiful bag! i would probably wear it every day (seriously). and you’re fabulous!!! we all can’t be wrong 🙂
I hate that feeling.
Okay, okay. I will use the bag for you for a while. You’re welcome 😉
LOVE that bag!! SO cute 🙂
Ameena,
Thanks for sharing. I don’t “know” you, except for the person/persona that you reveal here. It is sometimes easy to show the better parts of ourselves – just the funny, confident side. So, I appreciate your honesty in this.
I also really hope that the bag makes an appearance soon.
On a more random note – my husband gave me the coolest, glass bracelet for my b-day a few years ago. I couldn’t really see myself wearing it – it was too amazing. Of course, I broke it that SAME NIGHT. I can’t tell you how much I cried.
So the bag is beautiful. And you are beautiful. Really. Each time you share a picture with me, I think, “SHE IS STUNNING!”. So bring the purse out again. I’m sure you were the most stunning woman at that baby shower. Truly!
Love the bag, but you know what they say…”The best accessory is a smile”! So just hold your head up and be proud of who you are and know that you are beautiful inside and out!
Ameena, that bag is gorgeous! It sounds like you brought out the bag to enjoy its loveliness – and then other people had to spoil the moment. I agree with what other gals said above: bring it out at a fun family event or out to a dinner with Ali. Besides, everyone’s looking at your hot self and not the bag 🙂
You ARE beautiful and put together! Don’t let others, or yourself, feel anything less. Hugs!
Hey Ameena! I don’t know anything about beautiful purses or being chic in that way. I do wonder sometimes if most people do all of that stuff to simply impress and feel as good as the next person. The thing is, those types of things don’t replace an inner feeling of self acceptance and happiness with one’s self. If you look like a bag lady and have true self confidence, you’ll feel like you look great and won’t really care. You know?!
In reference to beautiful women, I used to be that girl that walked into the restaurant and had the entire place (men and women) turn around with their mouth’s gaping open in awe. The thing is that I was 20 (22, 25) and really pretty as well special looking. Now, I’m pretty cute, but I’m 32. I probably look really good for a 32 year old. My sister says I do. But I try not to compare myself anymore to people in their twenties, b/c the fact is that they look better than me now. You know, even the half cute ones have hair that’s younger and shinier than mine. Their skin glows a bit more, etc. I don’t know if these women were younger, but I wanted to mention that just in case (smile).
Oh, and I hope this helped more than just sounding like a “I’m so pretty” session. I’m not. I did used to be though (smile again). And I struggled for a while feeling comfortable and proud of my 30’s self-it can happen;-)
Oh, and I meant to say that whenever you show a picture of yourself that my impression is someone with a very thin, pretty body and a nice face with straight, beautiful features. Any feelings of inadequacy that you are having are certainly within your own mind!!!
Shut-up and stop lying! your mil did not give you that!!
Lucky, lucky 😉
But I totally know how you feel.
I love my bag and I want to carry it around, yet I worry what how others will judge me, or is that I am judging myself?!
Funny how the fears our of past project themselves into our present. A boy in my 3rd grade class once called me stupid and it took me years of over-achieving and straight-A’s before I realized he was wrong. What a beautiful and generous gift! Unfortunately many women can relate to the feeling of being unworthy. Confidence is far more fashionable than a designer bag. If you’re not quite there yet, just fake it til you make it, or buy a knockoff 😉
I’ve had so many of those moments where I don’t realize until a little later that I’m trying to make myself into someone that I’m truly not. Unfortunately the realization doesn’t usually hit until the uncomfortable awkwardness has already settled in.
Try to shake those feelings though, Ameena, because you are gorgeous and I KNOW that you fit in with those other women. And who knows, maybe they’re feeling just as uncertain as you!
I’ve only just found your blog (hi! 😀 ) but I completely relate to the experience of suddenly feeling all “wrong”. I’m not very good at managing it myself, to be honest… I can’t wait to read more of your blog when you return, but please make sure you spend the time away focusing on yourself, your happiness, and your awesomeness 🙂
what a elegant classic. And so significant! Keep it forever!
So I have to confess that I read your post way back when and I just stayed with me. I just kept on thinking about it and it really bothered me. I am not sure if it is because I am currently the mother of an 11 year old whose biggest aspiration at the moment is to look just like everyone else and of course she had a major meltdown on Wednesday because she hated her beautiful curly red hair that looks like no one elses. I just felt so sad and wish I could fix everything. Fix it for my daughter. Fix it for you. Fix it for all these other women who feel the same way. And it sucks that I can’t. I have no great words of wisdom. I am just trying my best to help my girls have more days when they feel good about themselves then days when they feel incredibly uncomfortable in their own skin.
It is really hard being a girl.
I love your reply…I too want to fix things for myself and for everyone else. I hope that Maya doesn’t feel the same way I do but at some point I think it’s inevitable because as you say it’s really hard being a girl. I only hope that she’ll be far more confident than I was/am. Thanks for the comment…it will definitely stick with me.
I feel the same at ALL Indian dawats. I am me with my hair in a messy bun and sweats.
It’s a beautiful bag for a beautiful woman (inside and out). You should wear it with pride Ameena. You know who you are, the bag does not define you- it just accents your awesome personality and amazing style. The fact that you even worry about it shows that you’re not trying to be something you are not.
I would never make it in the big city. Come live in Michigan – I’m fairly certain that there isn’t anyone around here with such a bag – and if they wore it, they would stick out for a slightly different reason. You’re gorgeous, rock what you’ve got!
I have never been to Michigan before but I definitely want to check it out. Life seems…so much easier outside of Los Angeles!
You should come to Michigan 🙂
Jen
i love the bag it looks amazing!
i feel the same way. Im painfully shy in group settings so i always feel like people are thinking im a snob.. but im really just not sure of what to say to people i dont know.. bad? good? i dont know!!!
the funny thing is that I always consider myself “strong” enough to not care what other people are wearing or think but gosh darn it’s hard! After hanging out in the ritzy areas of Nyc and Dallas, you can’t help but feel like everyone knows I’m wearing Target shoes and I have unbleached teeth!