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it’s not my problem

January 21, 2015

It’s been a while since we’ve chatted about Ali’s clothes, his messy habits, and my general impatience with it all.

Let’s remedy that, shall we?

Problem #1: Ali had too many coats for our “walk in” closet. (I’m not kidding when I say he has at least 4 times the number of coats I have.)

Resolution #1: I cleared out a section of Maya’s closet to house his collection.

Maya behaved herself this week. So instead of enrolling her in a useless and expensive holiday camp, we actually hung out!

Instead of enrolling Maya in a useless and expensive holiday camp, we actually hung out on Monday! We went to a Meetup, had lunch at Tao, and went to the bookstore for 2 hours.

Problem #2: Ali determined Maya’s closet was “too far” to walk to in order for him to retrieve his coat. (Our apartment is all of 1,200 square feet – NOTHING IS TOO FAR HERE.)

Resolution #2: I purchased a coat rack and set it up next to the front door.

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Ali joined us for lunch and remained on a call for most of it. It was fun asking him, “Wait, are you talking to me or someone else?” for an hour.

Problem #3: Ali determined that several of his coats were “too heavy” and posed a great risk that the coat rack would fall. So he’s taken to throwing them on the floor.

(Seriously, he comes in to the apartment, takes off his coat, and literally flings it across the living room floor.)

My brother was in town last week. I was SO HAPPY to see him. (I'm working on this thing where I actually tell people when I'm thinking nice things, it's working quite well!)

My brother was in town last week. I was SO HAPPY to see him. (I’m working on this thing where I actually tell people when I’m thinking nice things, it’s working quite well!)

So I think we can all conclude that I’ve been pretty patient. I mean, I really think I deserve high marks not only in “Creative Closet Solutions” but also in “Maintaining Patience When Any Other Wife Would Have Lost Her S@#$.”

And yet, I found the energy to come up with Resolution #3!

Resolution #3: I pulled a muscle shifting the hanging shoe racks to one side of the hallway closet, secured two extremely durable hangers, and hung Ali’s heaviest coats in the hallway closet (a mere 3 yards from the front door).

Maya didn't want to take this picture. After 45 seconds of patiently waiting, I told them they had another 2 before I put the camera away. We captured this lovely moment as a result.

Maya didn’t want to take this picture. After 45 seconds of patiently waiting, I told them they had another 2 seconds before I put the camera away. We captured this lovely moment as a result.

Guess what Ali did today? He took his coat off the hanger, went to work, came back from work, flung it across the living room floor, glanced at me and said “I need to be reminded that certain coats should be hung in the hallway closet,” and cracked open his laptop.

Resolution: Ali and his coat need to become Delta’s problem. STAT. There is no other resolution.

sugar. lots of sugar.

January 4, 2015

I was such a broken record between December 19, 2014 – January 1, 2015 that I was even annoying myself.

Before the chaos....

Minutes before the chaos….

 

The good news is that my nagging wasn’t related to me “politely requesting” Ali move his (choose any one or possibly all of the following) dishes, sugar, fork, cables, orange sweater, or luggage.

No, my nagging was actually related to Maya’s sugar intake.

 

Haagen Dazs...

Fondue at Haagen Dazs: Maya went CRAZY.

 

Okay, so you’re probably thinking, my God Ameena, do you ever let up on the poor kid? It is/was the holidays and she is/was in London. Can’t you cut her some slack around the chocolate and clotted cream?

Plus, why are you allowed to carb-overload on scones but she can’t have an extra helping or two of dessert?

 

At Fornum & Mason

Several ice cream cones at Fortnum & Mason. With a side of Sacher-Torte.

 

Well my answer(s) are as follows:

  1. I fully believe in a having a double standard when it comes to children.
  2. Whereas I can eat 1/2 a scone and be completely satisfied, Maya’s tolerance for ice cream can rival that of a 200 pound lumberjack.
  3. This is a serious problem as she is lactose-intolerant.
  4. You can guess what results when she feels sick.
  5. You can also guess who has to deal with the fallout when she feels sick (Hint: It’s not my husband).

But after one too many lectures from my husband about giving her a break, I went against every fiber of my being and let her use her “best judgment.”

 

Hot Chocolate at Paul: Maya finally slowing down.

Hot Chocolate at Paul: Maya finally slowing down.

 

Which led to Maya eating 18 scoops of ice cream in one sitting.

Which led to a stomach ache.

Which led to me cleaning up the pleasant aftermath between the hours of 10:00pm – 12:00am on December 31, 2014.

On the bright side, I suppose that even if it was from the bathroom floor, at least I can still say I rang in the New Year in London?

 

filters, impressions, and suffering

December 17, 2014

 

Since my last post…

  • Ali returned from L.A., flew to D.C., came home to inform me that I have brittle hair and need to do something about it, and then left for Boston.

 

 

  • The Takeaway: Pantene isn’t cutting it anymore – my hair is in a bad place. And my husband still needs to learn to filter.

 

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At Tao, one of our favorite restaurants in NYC.

 

  • Maya had a holiday party with 3 of her friends. I put together cute holiday gift bags (if I do say so myself) complete with matching earmuffs, matching T-shirts, holiday pens, erasers, and more. It’s been 5 days and Maya’s gift bag is still sitting in the living room, mostly untouched. And when I dropped Maya at school this morning we spied a pair of the aforementioned earmuffs abandoned and headed for the lost and found.

 

  • The Takeaway: My gift bags clearly made a huge impression. On me.

 

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Apparently the dim lighting at Tao camouflages my brittle hair.

 

  •  Since nobody else wanted to venture out into the cold to hit the grocery store this weekend (I needed help carrying the bags), I took a stand and decided not to go at all. Thus our fridge is currently empty except for one banana, ketchup, mustard, jam, M&Ms, and frozen fish sticks. (And milk of course. We always have milk as you know.)

 

  •  The Takeaway: I’m very much regretting my “stand” and will continue to regret it as dinner approaches.
  •  The Takeaway 2: I inevitably suffer when I try to make others suffer.

 

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Lucky Maya has no brittle hair.

 

Ali is returning from Boston tonight, to a home with no food, a daughter who has no appreciation, and to a wife who has brittle hair.

I almost feel sorry for him.

it was a blur

December 4, 2014

When we return from a trip of any kind, there are two Very Pressing Matters that need to be addressed ASAP:

#1. How do we ensure that there be milk for Ali’s tea and cereal? And not just any milk, but lactose-free organic 2% milk.

(Although 1% will also do in a pinch. Because Ali is low-maintenance like that.)

 

Our trip to LA was a blur...literally.

Our trip to LA was a blur…literally.

 

#2. How can I minimize the amount of time that Ali’s suitcase will block the front door? Because:

  • It WILL block the front door. For at least 24 hours.
  • My subtle hints to unpack will go unnoticed.
  • My not-so-subtle hints to unpack will go unnoticed.
  • I will lose my @#$% and the suitcase will finally be partially emptied (of course).
  • I will lose my @#$% again and the suitcase will be 97% emptied (it’s never FULLY emptied, just FYI).
  • The suitcase will eventually be rolled back into a closet. At which point I will cringe because I will be picturing the 1 billion strains being transferred from the filthy suitcase wheels to my Swiffered floors.

 

 

The trip started off precarious, with a number of near-vomit incidents in the plane and car.

The trip started off precarious, with a number of near-vomit incidents in the plane and car. Bad hair and wrinkles made several appearances, however.

 

Anyway, since I left for Los Angeles after Ali did, I proactively resolved Pressing Matter #1 by making sure to purchase and place an unopened container of the approved variety of milk in the fridge for my husband.

 

Traffic was battled and friends were seen....

Traffic was battled and friends were seen….

 

Unfortunately, we are going on 36 hours and Pressing Matter #2 is still pending, as evidenced by the fact that I’m still staring at, and climbing over, Ali’s suitcase.

 

And kind words and insults were thrown by and at family members. All in all, it was a good trip.

And kind words and insults were thrown by and at family members (mainly my brother). All in all, it was a good trip.

 

I’m about to lose my @#$% AGAIN (a new record for me).

Which means things will get done. But which also means that my floors are about to be bacteria ridden….

I guess one can’t expect it all?

she’s beside herself (maya guest post)

November 12, 2014

My mom’s OCD has been in full force lately, and I’m definitely seeing the brunt of it.

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In Princeton, New Jersey a few weekends ago….I think my mom is hoping that surrounding me with smart people will make me “strive harder” and “be motivated.” Buzzwords.

For example, just this past week alone my mom went ballistic and accused me of:

  • Dropping cereal all over the kitchen when I was pouring it into my bowl.
  • Dropping cereal on the dining table and on the floor under my chair because I wasn’t focused while eating.
  • Eating cereal with too much sugar (obviously my dad took me to the grocery store).
  • Eating three bowls of the offensively sugary cereal in a span of ten minutes.
  • Leaving the cereal box on the dining table. Along with my bowl. And a splash of milk for good measure.
At the RISD Museum in Rhode Island...where my mom forced a little bit of culture on me at 10 AM. On a Sunday.

At the RISD Museum in Rhode Island…where my mom forced a little bit of culture on me at 10 AM. On a Sunday.

My mom’s theory is that I’m either misbehaving because I’m high on sugar (27 grams of sugar at breakfast will do that to you) or because I’m getting older and testing those boundaries again.

The correct answer is: none of the above.

In Providence...it was FREEZING cold and I didn't bring a jacket. Like I was supposed to. :(

In Providence…it was FREEZING cold and I didn’t bring a jacket. Like I was supposed to. :(

The truth is that I do (or don’t do) things because I’m straight up lazy in most aspects, with the exception of striving to find ways to get my dad to let me do things my mom won’t approve of.

In any case, this latest escapade provided my mom with some much needed motivation to invent “new consequences” for my cereal (and other) offenses.

And these consequences go way beyond taking away TV time or library visits.

The State House is very pretty. And very large. I know this because my mom made me run around it several times after my dad and I demolished a very large piece of chocolate cake.

The State House is very pretty. And very large. I know this because my mom made me run around it several times after my dad and I demolished a very large piece of chocolate cake.

No, she’s become far more creative than that!

My mom’s latest punishment is having me write essays about why I did “X” and why I won’t do “X” again, and what the consequences will be if I do.

So far I’ve had to write two essays. One about how I won’t ever be rude to a family member on FaceTime again, and I’m forgetting what the other one was at the moment, but it likely had to do with me forgetting to do something.

The train ride. It was great except because I didn't get motion sickness! I wish there was a train that goes from NYC to LA.

The train ride was great because I didn’t get motion sickness! I wish there was a train that goes from NYC to LA because we’ll be making that trip pretty soon. I know this because my mom is already collecting barf bags.

Suffice to say that I hate writing essays.  

One essay that I wouldn’t mind writing, however, is “How Ultimately She’s Just Hurting Herself Because It’s Her Hard Earned Money That’ll Be Paying My Therapist.”

One day.

multi-purpose sleeves

October 16, 2014

About 10 days ago, when I found myself pushing my Trader Joe’s shopping cart with one finger, it occurred to me that I fear germs a bit more than the average person.
 

If I’m being honest, this thought also occurred to me when, on our flight back from London last month, I utilized the plastic bag my earphones came in to fasten my seatbelt.

 

We've been eating out a lot lately so I'm not sure where we took this picture but I remember it was last week!

We’ve been eating out a lot lately so I’m not sure where we took this picture. But I think it was a good day since we’re both smiling.

 

I think the turning point, however, was when I considered using hand sanitizer to clean my mechanical pencil. It was then that I realized I needed to learn to be one with germs.

 

So I tried to stop using my sleeve to open doors (Success rate = 72%), picked up Maya’s backpack without fear (I’m lying), and even ate at restaurants without first reviewing their restaurant grade (Truth: I spotted one “B” grade at Kati Roll Co. and went to Le Pain Quotidien instead).

 

Maya opening Eid gifts.

Maya opening Eid gifts.

 

And so it should come as no surprise that 48 hours into my decision to embrace bacteria, I got food poisoning from what I previously considered one of the best pieces of snapper I’d ever consumed.

 

The snapper knocked me out for approximately 72 hours straight. I lost about 10 pounds and gained several more gray hairs. 

 

I recovered, however,  and told myself it was an isolated event.

 

At the Laduree: Me being sick = me craving sugar.

At the Laduree: Me being sick = me craving sugar.

 

And 36 hours after that I came down with a fever, cough, and sore throat.

 

I recovered and told myself it was NOT an isolated event. And then I went back to using my sleeves, my hand sanitizer, and I will obviously never, ever again order seafood on a Monday.

 

The experiment is over.

 

keeping it classy

September 18, 2014

Approximately 2 years ago I purchased two new lamps for our master bedroom.  

I made this purchase in an effort to make our hideously old-fashioned master look marginally better to potential renters.

 

(In case you weren’t aware, home décor is NOT my strong point).

 

Lunch at our favorite Tommy Bahama where you can buy a pair of chinos AND enjoy a filet of salmon, all at once.

Lunch at our favorite Tommy Bahama where you can buy a pair of chinos AND enjoy a filet of salmon, all at once.

The lamps (Ralph Lauren by way of HomeGoods) looked pretty good, but every time I passed by them I thought, “I really need to remove the price tag.” 

 

I thought about this:

  • As a potential renter came back to our place for a second look.
  • As that particular renter came back to sign a lease.
  • As we (or rather, I) packed up the lamps for the move from LA to NYC.
  • As we (or rather, I) unpacked the lamps in our NYC apartment.
  • As we (I’ll spare you) packed the lamps again for a move across the city to our new apartment.
  • As we unpacked the lamps in our current NYC apartment.
  • As we filed a claim with the movers for breaking one lamp.
  • As we placed the newly mismatched lamp on Ali’s side of the bed, and threw what was deemed my broken lamp into the trash.
  • As I walk by the lone remaining lamp in our new NYC apartment.
  • As I wrote this really meaningless post.

 

I can't seem to take a picture with my mouth open...Maya can't seem to take one with her mouth closed.

I can’t seem to take a picture with my mouth open…Maya can’t seem to take one with her mouth closed.

Now that there’s only one lamp I’m hoping I can find the energy to cut off one HomeGoods tag, as opposed to the two that somehow seemed like an insurmountable task. 

In the meantime we’re just keeping things classy.

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