I know I’m not the only mother who has a child that is prone to motion sickness.
I know that most mothers don’t fear vomit as much as I do.
I know that 10 years is long enough to become accustomed to being barfed on.
I know that children feed off their parent’s energy and Maya probably wouldn’t feel obligated to throw up all over me constantly if I could just be less stressed about the whole thing (funny how she’s NEVER thrown up on Ali).
I know all of this and yet I was on pins and needles during our flight to LA last week, as well as during the remaining hour it took to battle the freeway home.
You don’t even want to know my mental state during our 3+ hours traipsing up and down the 405 freeway the following Monday.
Ultimately my 3 days in LA went relatively smoothly and I left the traffic-ridden city without incident.
But the question still remains: When will vomit and I be at peace with one another?
I vividly recall standing in my parent’s garage, approximately 15 years ago, screaming the following at Ali, via telephone:
“You CANNOT invite any more people to the wedding. We already have 410 guests. If you invite one more person, they’ll have to take your seat, because the seating chart is DONE.”
(If you are wondering, I was in the garage because our house was full of wedding guests and I couldn’t find another quiet space to scream at Ali.)
Fast forward to today, our 15th wedding anniversary.
We went out to lunch to celebrate. (My food was fantastic but Ali sent his steak back twice and then finally sent it back for good.)
We didn’t get each other any gifts. (No jewelry or light bulbs, for which I am grateful.)
I cooked dinner. (I figured we might as well have a bad meal at home instead of paying for one like we did at lunch.)
So the day was fairly uneventful. But the good news is that I didn’t scream at Ali today.
Although it’s only 7:12 pm so there’s still time to remedy that…
According to a recent statement by my husband, “If you want help all you have to do is ask for it.”
So last night, I asked.
Me: “Can you please put the dishes into the dishwasher? I have a splitting headache.”
And off to the kitchen he went.
I was amazed….was it as easy as that?
Did I just need to ask him to help out more?
I mean, were the last 15 years of my life unnecessarily difficult because I’ve been wanting my husband to take initiative, instead of simply spelling it all out for him?
Of course I had my doubts. And so after Ali was done I went into the kitchen to inspect.
All of the food was still out (of course) and there were naan crumbs everywhere (of course), but for the most part the dishes appeared to have been dealt with. Even the pots and pans!
I was impressed. Truly.
Until I realized that all of the pots and pans were in the dishwasher, which not only screams laziness, but which is a direct violation of Calphalon’s somewhat complicated and useless lifetime warranty.
So I suppose that next time I want help I need to be sure to say:
“Can you please put all of the dishes in the sink into the dishwasher, minus the pots and pans which need to be hand washed? And then cover and put the food into the fridge. And wipe down the counters with the eco-friendly cleaner in the beige spray bottle that is directly under the kitchen sink. You can use the white dishtowel with the flowers printed on it. It too is under the sink. And then shake out the dishtowel crumbs in the trash can and put everything back in the cabinet.”
It hardly seems worth it.
Which I suppose is his point?
I try so very hard to begin the day on a calm note.
I wake up at 5:15 am so that I can do yoga, 15 minutes of Headspace, email catchup, and maybe even fit in a batch of muffins if all the stars are aligned.
This schedule is no problem during the dark days of winter when I literally have to haul Maya out of bed.
(Side Note: I don’t need to haul Ali out of bed because he flies west during the winter months).
- turn on the electric kettle (Ali)
- ask what they should eat for breakfast (Maya)
- ask what they should wear (Ali and Maya)
- ask Siri, at the top of their lungs: “What is the temperature in NYC today?” (Maya)
Why why why?
So I realize that Ali and Maya live here too, and they have every right to get up and move about and ask Siri all of their annoying weather related questions in whichever tone they feel is appropriate for a conversation with the iPad.
But if I can’t even get 45 minutes of quiet at the crack of dawn, so that I can begin the day calmly, where exactly does that leave me?
Not calm. That’s for sure.
Ali just returned from Montreal, where he was on a “work trip.”
I use quotes here because:
- Ali’s work trips – which often involve destinations such as Turks and Caicos and Hawaii – are always the cause for much suspicion, and
- I like to overuse quotes.
Per my request he returned with two Montreal bagels, which sadly tasted identical to Starbucks bagels.
Rest assured I’m not implying Ali forgot to buy my bagels and then purchased them at Starbucks at JFK or anything. Just making an innocent comparison.
Additionally, Ali returned with a Go Pro Camera “for Maya,” which was obviously NOT per my request.
Me: “May I list the reasons that Maya does not need a Go Pro Camera?”
Ali: “No you may not.”
Me: “Will she even know what to do with a Go Pro Camera? I mean, she’s 10. Plus she’s been half-assing her homework lately and isn’t making her bed properly. Pretty sure she doesn’t need to be rewarded at the moment.”
Ali: “Let’s make the camera a reward for doing better in school. She can use it on the weekends.”
I went with this because I’m trying really hard NOT to dictate how Maya should be raised. After all, parenting is supposed to be a joint effort, right?
Unless of course it involves making her meals, washing her clothes, helping her with homework, or being a disciplinarian, in which case I’m definitely a single parent.
So yesterday, with much flourish and excitement, he presented Maya with the camera.
Maya: “Thanks Dad but I don’t need a Go Pro Camera.”
Just as I’d thought. She also didn’t need more than a few bites of her Montreal bagel either, which she quickly deemed bland and chewy.
Which sounds suspiciously like a Starbucks bagel to me…
We recently closed a huge chapter in our lives…and can all breathe a huge sigh of relief.
Every Single Thank You Note Related to Maya’s Birthday Has Been Mailed.
Think I’m being dramatic? I’m really not.
And if you had to follow up to make sure your 10-year-old executed 30 grammatically acceptable thank you notes, you’d understand why.
So this process really shouldn’t have been so hard. Especially since I basically handed Maya all the information on a silver platter.
1. I compiled a list of every gift and the gift giver’s name.
2. I provided the address of every gift giver.
All Maya had to do was create the note, address the envelope, slap a stamp on it, and place it in the outgoing mail.
Here was the problem though: Maya remained in LA on Spring Break for 10 additional days after I returned to NYC for work.
That meant that by default, Ali had to guide this process along.
Which obviously meant that the entire process came to a standstill.
Why, you ask?
How could the process possibly be stalled when I’d provided all the necessary pieces of information in my very detailed, well-formatted, and thorough list?
Well because I FAILED TO LEAVE ALI AND MAYA 30 ENVELOPES.
An of course there isn’t a single store in Los Angeles that sells those.
In conclusion, getting Maya’s thank you notes out the door was as difficult as brainstorming a solution for Ali’s coat.
Since I’m trying to look at the bright side, however, I’m pleased to report that Maya’s notes are in the mailbox and NOT on the floor.
So, there’s that.
I’ve been making a valiant effort to stop micromanaging Maya.
Just last Saturday, for example, I didn’t tell her to just stop eating, when she consumed all of the following in the span of 8 hours:
Cereal – Two bowls at home.
Lamb Sausage – She can never turn down free Farmer’s Market samples.
Sushi – I purchased sushi for our flight to LA but Maya ate a 9 piece California Roll as a snack.
Fresh Mozzarella Antipasto / Salad with Garbanzo Beans – On our flight to LA.
Two Giant Lamb Chops and Mashed Potatoes – Also on our flight to LA.
Salted Caramel Ice Cream – Also on our flight to LA.
Half a Chocolate Chip Cookie – You guessed it…also on our flight to LA.
When our interminable flight to LA finally concluded, Maya’s throwing up began. And throw up she did!
She threw up on 4 separate occasions: all over me, the car, herself, a Shakey’s Pizza parking lot (sorry Shakey’s), all over the car again, on a random road near my in-laws house, and all over their master bedroom. Twice.
Maya just turned 10.
I thought it’s supposed to get easier?