the elevator: a “how to”
To the lady at the Beverly Center who drove me batsh#t crazy with her elevator antics a few days ago: this post is dedicated to you.
How to Ride an Elevator: in 4 Easy Steps
1. Getting On. I know how overwhelming it can be to choose an elevator but here’s a tip: simply decide if you’re going up or down and once you find an elevator going in the direction of your choice step inside. Just do it. I promise you’ll be okay.
2. Choosing a Destination. Decisions…decisions. Here’s a thought: how about pressing the button that corresponds to the floor you’re going to? This foolproof strategy will ensure that you won’t waste electricity on 10 unnecessary stops, nor will you further inconvenience the other passengers who’d prefer to get to their destination in this century.
3. Managing the Trip. (This one is dedicated to my husband). There is no cell phone reception in an elevator. None. I assure you that the person on the other end of your phone can’t freaking hear you repeating “Hello? I’m in an elevator and there’s no reception!” Please, for the love of God, put the phone DOWN for 30 seconds. I guarantee you’ll live to tell about it.
4. The Exit. I realize how confusing it can be when you arrive at your chosen floor. Is it really your chosen floor? Did we really get there so quickly? Is the digital number in bright red on top of the door really telling the truth? Yes, yes, and yes. So please get out. And move on with your day so I can move on with mine.
And from the bottom of my heart? Thank you.