Back in my college days, my HP-17b financial calculator and I were inseparable because I could always count on it to help me figure out the right answer.  I only wish that my 17b could address a few of Maya’s questions, like today’s, “Mama, my pants are falling down…what should I do?”  But I have to remind myself that my calculator is only a calculator and not a miracle-worker.     

Anyway, as my main purpose in life these days is to feed and entertain Maya, and more recently to pull up her pants, I’ve had to put the precious 17b aside to do a different kind of math.      

1 Magic Eraser + 1 repentant child = A “like-new” balcony     

In Progress:     

There is nothing like cleaning tile in your pajamas and Crocs.

 The magical result:     

If only the Magic Eraser could erase all the curse words I muttered under my breath today too...then it would truly be magical.

Thank you all for your great suggestions on removing crayon from tile!  I am certainly armed with information for her next mishap. 

1 bored child + 1/2 hour of storytime = 1/2 hour of freedom for me     

Not only did Maya lead the other kids in singing "An Itsy Bitsy Spider," but she also insisted on doing a solo in Spanish. I think she really needs to work on her shyness.

I felt a bit guilty that we didn’t buy anything from Pottery Barn Kids after storytime, but I felt better when I noticed that 99% of the other kids were accompanied by their nanny.  I believe that being present is worth something.     

1 dad with a (.5) prescription in both eyes + 1 mom with a (-4.75) prescription in both eyes = 1 kid with a (+2.25) prescription in both eyes?     

There are about 10 choices when it comes to kids glasses but luckily we both agreed on these ones.

This math baffles me.  Any optometrists out there want to explain how a child can become farsighted when both her parents are nearsighted?     

1 dinner party + no caterer in sight = 1 really awesome lasagna     

Make sure your little helper doesn't sneeze, cough, or rub her nose while cooking. I am 99% mine didn't. No guarantees here.

 The Easiest Lasagna EVER    

1 jar of your favorite tomato sauce
16 no-boil noodles
1 1/2 lb. of shredded mozzarella cheese
1 lb. cooked ground beef (or omit if you don’t eat meat)
basil     

1. Cover the bottom of a 13″ X 9″ glass pan with a layer of sauce
2. Overlap 4 noodles, cover with a generous layer of sauce, layer 1/3 of the meat, and sprinkle 1/3 of the cheese.
3. Repeat 2 more times, sprinkle with basil (to make things look professional), cover with foil, and cook at 375 degrees for 30 minutes.
4. Uncover and cook for 10 more minutes so the top layer of cheese browns.     

Even my dad raved about this. And he never raves about anything, except maybe the cheap socks he buys at TJ Maxx.

I’m not going to pretend this lasagna is authentic and I wouldn’t dare serve it to a real Italian, but it looks complicated and impressive and it feeds a ton of people.  I highly recommend giving it a try.     

1 compliment from an impossible to please father + 1 compliment from an impossible to please father-in-law = success

I aim high.

My hair is a scarier mess than it normally is, I am almost hoarse from saying, “That’s it!  One more time and I’m sending you to your room,” and if I have to throw one more empty string cheese wrapper in the trash you may just see me on the evening news. 

“Los Angeles Mom Allegedly Throws Herself Over the Balcony After String Cheese Mishap.  Story at 11.” 

Why is she incapable of throwing a little piece of plastic in the trash? Why?

But there I go again being a Negative Nelly.  So instead of complaining further I will share one of the few benefits of Maya staying home…our fridge is actually full for a change since we have nothing better to do than hit Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods almost daily.  We even visited our local Smart & Final today.  The excitement today was nearly unbearable.  

Our full fridge/freezer is a blessing because I finally have things to feed my eating machine Maya, but it also throws me into a bit of a panic because I have this crazy fear of wasting food!  (Incidentally I checked phobialist.com and could not find a phobia related to wasting food.  I am disappointed.) 

Anyway, after a frozen waffle fell on my foot this morning I felt compelled to send Ali off to work with a big bag full of cupcakes, Godiva Chocolate Bar Cake, assorted candy, and ice cream.  Luckily his co-workers are also eating machines so I’m sure everything was consumed before 10am.

Something I didn’t send Ali off to work with though were the gluten-free brownies my surgeon friend brought over for me this past weekend.  Because you know, in between doing surgeries and taking care of her 2 kids, she had all the free time in the world to whip these up from scratch.

Along with neglecting my own hair, I've been neglecting my daughter's hair. And it shows.

These brownies are so rich and delicious that I would have had no idea they were gluten-free had my friend not told me so.  I popped the few that Maya and Ali didn’t get their hands on into the depths of the freezer and since neither my husband nor my child can find their hand in front of their face, I’m not too concerned they’ll locate the brownies in their unmarked foil.  In case you are interested, and trust me when I say you should be, you can find the recipe on the Gluten-Free Goddess’ blog.  

Ali supposedly had another “work dinner” tonight so it’s just me and Maya.  Again.  I have a feeling I’ll be digging into my freezer soon to self-medicate.

On the bright side, at least I am not pharmacophobic.

It appears Maya can't even draw stick figures...much like her mother.

I noticed this wonderful fresco a while back but kept forgetting to address it, and since I was hell-bent on ruining our happy reunion I decided what better time than today? 

“Maya, why did you draw on the balcony in crayon?” 

“I couldn’t find the chalk.”  How can I argue with logic like that?

“Well now it won’t come off, so what do you suggest that I do?” 

“I don’t know.” 

So I did what any other sane mother would do…I handed Picasso toxic chemicals and made her step out unattended on the balcony so she could scrub the floor on her hands and knees. 

I won't let her watch more than 1/2 hour of TV a day but I am okay with her using chemicals on the balcony of a high-rise. My own logic astounds me.

Naturally the entire episode was an exercise in futility because I know that nothing short of turpentine is going to get that crayon out.  (Does turpentine get crayon out?)  Still, I am my father’s daughter and a point needed to be proven, safety be damned.  

“It won’t come out Mama.” 

“So what do you suggest I do now Maya?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Well neither do I.” 

Story of my life.  Anybody out there know how to get crayon off tile?

1. Form a complete thought.
2. Clean up Maya’s room and the kitchen.
3. Do a yogadownload.com class and take a 3 mile walk to pick up Ali’s dry cleaning.  (Not impressed?  What about if I say I read a book while walking 3 miles to pick up Ali’s dry cleaning?  Am I multitasker or what?)
4. Make an enormous amount of headway on 9 separate marketing balances for work.
5. Memorize my Toastmaster’s speech for tomorrow.
6. Form another complete thought, and believe me when I say it had nothing to do with what Maya could eat as a snack next.

Are you wondering how this was all possible with my little shadow lurking about?  It isn’t.  

Yes, you guessed it, I sent Maya and her little Dora backpack off to my mother-in-law’s house.  I felt guilty for about half a minute but then I realized she wasn’t exactly shedding a tear over it.  If anything, the relief that registered on her face when she realized she was shipping out was even more impressive than mine. 

I also realized that between our DC trip last week and Maya’s school hiatus this week, the two of us have spent more time together lately than we have in the last 5 years.  I believe I have redeemed myself enough to merit a break from entertaining her. 

Speaking of entertaining, Maya and I were lucky enough to have Lynn join us for lunch yesterday.  This is the fourth time I’ve had the opportunity to meet up with Lynn and I once again feel like I’ve known her forever.  But as is always the case when Maya is around, I was distracted and completely forgot to take pictures of lunch.  I did manage to get one good photo right before Lynn left though: 

Please ignore the nearly dead plant in the background. My green thumb and I? Well...we struggle. Trees, kids...it seems to make no difference.

Luckily Lynn is far more organized than me and not only took fabulous pictures of the afternoon but she also put them up on her blog yesterday.  You can check them out here.  

Thank you Lynn for bringing us gluten-free chocolate chip cookies and more importantly, thank you for helping me keep Maya busy…  don’t be surprised if she shows up at your door next week, Dora backpack in hand! 

Want to know the weird thing?  Maya’s been gone all day and it’s been great, but now that it’s bath/story time the house seems empty and I have no idea what to do with myself??

I also answered the following questions:   

1. Why does my frog shirt reflect in the window?
2. How come Dad gets to have tea and sugar every morning but I don’t?
3. Can I watch TV 2 times today?
4. Can I have a cookie?  (Against my better judgment I will share my answer to this one with you, “Frickin’ A Maya, it is 8:30 in the morning!”)  Sorry, it just slipped out.
5. Mama, what am I supposed to do now?

At 8:35 am I asked Maya to please give me 5 minutes of peace and quiet so I could close my eyes and count backwards from 1,000.  

At 8:36 am Maya was playing golf in the living room.    

Do you see the scuff marks? I see the scuff marks.

Now normally I’d tell her to stop before she ruins the wood floor but yesterday I was so desperate for a break that I didn’t care if the floor had craters in it by the time she was done channeling her inner Jack Nicklaus.   

At 8:39 am conversation resumed.   

“I’m playing golf with my invisible friends, Mama.”   

“That sounds like fun Maya.  Why are they invisible?”   

“Well we don’t want to bother you while you are doing your work so it’s better if they are invisible and quiet.”   

Even my heart of stone couldn’t withstand that sad little comment.  So at 8:38 am I shut my computer down and tried to appease both Maya and my conscience by taking her to the park for 2 hours, and then by making popsicles with her.   

Nothing speaks to her like food.  

I've resigned myself to a perpetually messy kitchen for the duration of Maya's summer vacation.

Appease Your Conscience Popsicles  

1 peach
1/4 cup of raspberries
1 small banana
1 cup of whole milk   

Add everything to a blender, mix on a high-speed, and pour into one of the cheap $4.99 popsicle molds that abound at Target.   

Not sure how long I can trick her for...she is getting too smart for her own good.

I almost feel guilty when Maya asks me if she can have a popsicle for dessert and I pretend to think about it.  But what I really feel guilty about is that I am already trying to figure out who I can pawn her off on tomorrow so I can actually get through a few work-related emails before I have to troubleshoot the blue screen of death on her Leap Frog again.   

Seriously, how on earth do stay-at-home-moms do this every single day?

Blasphemous, right?  I mean, how can anyone in their right mind possibly hate Los Angeles - a city known for perfect weather and beautiful people?  Well, allow me to list just a few of the negatives of living here: 

• Skanky girls are a dime a dozen.  I was hanging out at Coupa Cafe with my brother last night and we saw girl after girl attempting to emulate Dita Von Teese, except they were walking down Canon instead of performing at a burlesque show.  Why is it that a good half of the girls out here find it so difficult to put on clothes? 

• The traffic bites.  Factor in an hour to go pretty much anywhere and you’ll find it is much easier to stay at home.


Battling the 405 Freeway is the worst part of living in Los Angeles. Source: Wikimedia Commons/Downtowngal

 

• Parking bites even more.  It is nearly impossible to get around valet parking your car in this city  – this includes having to valet at my doctor’s office, shopping malls (unless you want to drive around aimlessly for 30 minutes), and of course 99% of the restaurants here only offer valet.  This is a HUGE problem when my husband refuses to let anyone else drive his car. 

• There are strange/creepy people everywhere.  Just five minutes into the script analysis class I took at CBS yesterday, a guy who knew I was married with a child asked me out, and an obviously stoned lady told me she was attending the class to learn how to “spend less money.”

• The Beverly Hills plastic surgery clichés are in full force.  In addition to having coffee next to a girl with a freshly bandaged nose, I had the pleasure of dining at Porta Via last night while listening to two ladies compare notes on surgeons as they attempted to chew and swallow without breaking their botoxed faces.  (Note: I have no problem with people getting plastic surgery if they want it, I just have a problem with the whole cliché of them sitting in Beverly Hills chatting about it like they are discussing the weather.)

I am a conservative person in a sea of liberals.  I am a brunette in a sea of blondes.  I am a slightly less shallow person in an ocean of fake people.  I was born on the East Coast and I belong on the East Coast.  Now all I need to do is convince my husband that he doesn’t belong here either so we can finally move out of this city.  

Any ideas how to do this?

• Example A:  The day after Maya outgrew her crib, I gave it away to a co-worker and stared blankly at Ali when he asked why I didn’t want to keep the crib for memories.  Ummm, I listened to my child scream nonstop for a year…I am pretty sure I’ll never, ever forget that.

• Example B: When I realized that no amount of praying and/or crying was going to get me back into the size 0 Banana Republic pants I wore regularly prior to my daughter ruining my metabolism, I gave them to the Salvation Army.  I still miss those pants but there was no need to torture myself by seeing what could have been, every time I opened my closet. 

I believe Ali and Maya are slightly worried they too might find themselves discarded one day.  I really want to reassure them that won’t happen but I refuse to lie, just to put their minds at ease. 

Anyway, as someone who has no trouble moving on I surprised myself this past week by actually getting sentimental about saying goodbye to several things.    

1. We said goodbye to Maya’s preschool after 4 + years.  Who knew I’d be sad to take home her box cubby, several stuffed animals, her giant notebook, assorted loose leaf papers (she has pack rat tendencies like her father), and a very old, bacteria-ridden toothbrush?   

The benefit of saying goodbye to Maya's school? Saying goodbye the check we have to write them every month!

 2. We said goodbye to all the really amazing museums DC has to offer.  I wasn’t sure I would actually find the motivation to drag Maya to one museum, nevermind 6 in 3 days!  I am reveling in the realization that I actually CAN handle culture, and my daughter can too.   

The National Gallery of Art - I know next to nothing about sculpture but Maya and I agreed this was one of the coolest things we'd ever seen.

 3. I said goodbye to the most shallow bunch of reality stars on television.  Yes, I was so bored on the flight to DC that I watched a marathon of MTV’s The Hills.  Honestly, I’m really not that torn up that the show has ended as I stopped watching it a long time ago, but I am a bit bitter that it appears none of these girls have had to give up their size 0 Banana Republic pants.   

Am I the only one who thinks there is something slightly off about Audrina? I can't put my finger on it...

 4. Maya and I said a quick hello and then a quick goodbye to some new friends.  We met up with Sophia, Adam, and Danielle for lunch at Le Pain Quotodien on Tuesday…   

Photo Credit: Maya Din

 And then Estela, Tracey, and Marin for lunch at Zaytinya on Wednesday…   

Photo Credit: Maya Din

Maya's temporary BFF Marin...hopefully Marin can forgive Maya for trying to force feed her!

 Thank you again all for taking the time to meet up with Maya and I.  It was great getting to know you better! 

5. Even Ali also had some trouble with goodbyes.  First he had to bid farewell to all of the new and nerdy Microsoft buddies he met in DC, and then he had to say goodbye to a little piece of tech heaven.   

Who knew that Ali's heaven was housed at Dulles airport?

But of all the painful things that I had to say goodbye to these past 7 days, I am most sad about saying goodbye to my freedom for the next two weeks.  Yes, Maya is off from school and my new full-time job will be to entertain her all day, every day for the next 14 days.    

Seriously, I am about to start crying.

Sorry, I ran out of fingers.

Anyway, it goes without saying that I am learning a little more about my family than I wanted to.  I mean, what better time to learn about another person’s “quirks” than when you are on vacation? 

For instance, I had no idea that Maya was so utterly unimpressed by some things…

“I don’t care about the big elephant.  Can we go get some chips now?”

And yet so impressed by others.

“So dad’s iPhone games work in Los Angeles AND Washington DC?  Neat.”

I also had no idea that Ali, the master of all things technology-related, wouldn’t be able to take a photo of the Lincoln Memorial with me in it.

And yet he managed to make our hotel room a miniature replica of the cable-ridden mess we call our living room.

I learned a few things about Abby Cadabby as well.  Did you know that Abby is allergic to pork, ham, bacon, raisins, sparkling water, and exercise? 

 Me neither.  She sounds a bit high-maintenance to be honest.

And who knew that Maya would be more interested in playing with the pool noodles than she would be in going on a tour of the Capitol Building? 

No judgement here as I kind of was too actually.

Finally….who knew that Ali would take off to a spur-of-the-moment “Microsoft meeting” halfway through our Capitol Building tour?

That Ali…he’s shadier than I gave him credit for.

Jazz in June anybody?

My brother’s snazzy rooftop in Beverly Hills made the perfect backdrop for the event.  Lucky for us the June-gloom dissipated and the weather ended up being beautiful. 

All you can eat sushi - what more of an incentive does one need to write a generous check?

As someone who has trouble asking for directions, nevermind for items to donate for a silent auction, I was again quite impressed with the array of jewelry, autographed books, wine, and gadgets that  my brother had available to bid on.  

Note the camera in a sea of jewelry? I give you two guesses as to which tech-obsessed person in my life donated it....

I donated a bottle of Chateau Montelena but I was told it wasn’t “good enough” for the auction.  I wasn’t too surprised.  I know less about wine than I do parenting…which means I know next to nothing about wine. 

MIT graduate Don Schoendorfer (not the individual in this photo) designed this wheelchair using elements already in existence. It costs just $59.20 to manufacture and deliver to the most remote areas of the globe.

I’m glad my brother and I are close now.  We used to fight nonstop but we’ve limited our arguments to approximately 1 major blowup each year.  Our annual fight is downright ugly and includes horrible, mean things we don’t actually mean and loads of four letter words I can’t repeat in front of Maya.

All I can say is that we are no longer welcome at Gyu-Kaku and I do believe that Ali’s cousin (who witnessed our annual fight back in 2004) will never recover.

My friend Adam, my sister-in-law Mediha, me, and my friend Nadia

Anyway, who knew that the same kid who took close to three months to learn how to tie his shoelaces (unlike my superstar Maya) would be able to throw a party for 75 people with absolutely no hiccups? 

Sprinkles Cupcakes handled the dessert, and they did it beautifully.

I have to say that I was pretty impressed with my brother for putting this event on. He raised close to $10,000 for such a worthy cause!

Things got chilly when the sun set but the view of Beverly Hills got even more gorgeous.

I’m proud of you Has…now all we need to do is find you a pretty girl.  This is my second offer ladies…any takers?

Shaz (Nadia's husband), Adam, Brian (who took all of these photos), and Hassan.

I feel our annual fight coming on…

To learn more about this organization, check our their site : Free Wheelchair Mission

Now any good mother would be upset that her child is sick - and I am no exception - but since I aim to be 99.99% honest on this blog I’ll admit that I felt more sorry for myself when I realized that Maya would be home torturing me with questions all day long.  

There.  I said it.  You can hate me if you want, and I totally deserve it, but find me a mom who loves to stay home with a sick kid and I’ll show you someone in denial. 

Anyway, I got zero work done but our day was still fairly productive.   Most importantly, Maya learned to tie her shoes! 

My superstar kid mastered the process in 30 minutes.

After that we worked on her reading/math, took a walk to Trader Joe’s, returned something at Bloomingdale’s, bought a gift, and then returned home to make dinner for my parents and brother.  

After cleaning up dinner I walked into the living room and couldn’t resist taking this picture: 

My dad is on his laptop, Maya is on Ali's laptop, my brother is typing away on his Blackberry, and Ali is on my computer with my iPad in his lap.

Apparently Ali’s disease is contagious and now my entire family is addicted to technology.  Next thing you know they’ll be comparing cable collections. 

Speaking of cable collections, I had to dip into Ali’s precious stash today.  Why you ask? 

This lovely electric blue cable is currently snaking its way through my living room.

Well, I have Verizon to thank for that.  Actually, I’d like to formally thank Verizon for allowing me to waste 3+ hours of my day making friends with their employees all over the world.  I really enjoyed being switched from department to department only to be told that due to outages across the Los Angeles area I needed to reset my IP address.  And when that didn’t work they determined I needed a new router.  I know our router works just fine and it really is Verizon’s faulty service that is the problem, but whatever.  

All I know is that right now there is only one internet connection, courtesy of the electric blue cable snaking down my living room.  I am a bit scared to ponder the long-term effects of this one and only connection. 

Things might get ugly around here and Verizon has only itself to blame.