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the report (maya guest post)

January 23, 2013

I know my mom’s mentioned how much she hates my book reports, but have I mentioned how much I hate them?

Well I hate them a lot. Because book reports mean that my mom and I have to work together, one-on-one, for a loooong time. Which of course means that we’re going to be fighting. A lot.

Which is exactly what happened with my last assignment. Here’s how things unfolded:

January 7 – January 11: My teacher assigned us a book report. I said nothing about it because as my mom says, I’m a “master at procrastination.” She also said I take after my dad in this respect. I think she’s right.

January 12: I debated mentioning the book report but I figured I’d enjoy the weekend instead.

January 14: I told my mom about the assignment and the questions started flying, “When was it assigned? Did you pick a book? Is it an oral report as well? ” I felt exhausted.

We went to Bouchon w/ my mom's friend Lynn from theactorsdiet.com. She's an actress and can make cool things out of straws. She's the best.

We went to Bouchon w/ my mom’s friend Lynn from theactorsdiet.com. She’s an actress and can make cool things out of straws. She’s the best.

January 15: I procrastinated some more. My mom yelled at me again. I promised to start the next day during Homework Club.

January 16: I lost the instructions! And as you can imagine the S@#$ hit the fan when my mom picked me up. (Oops. Sorry about the bad word.)

January 17: My mom reminded me 10 times to ask my teacher for a copy of the instructions. I forgot anyway. My mom was SO mad I feared she was going to end up in the hospital with a coronary. I feared this because she said, “You are going to put me in the hospital. With a coronary.”

January 18 4:15 pm: I got a new copy of the instructions! But my dad picked me up from Homework Club early so I didn’t start my report. Instead we went home and shot at each other with our Nerf guns. Then we set up target practice in the living room. He didn’t ask about my report and I didn’t mention it.

January 18 5:30 pm: While my dad and I were eating the dinner my mom left in the fridge, we sent her a text: “What’s for dinner?” We did this just for fun. It ended up being a bad idea though because she got super mad at my dad for “not paying attention when she talks to him.” 

I made the coolest glasses out of Wiki Sticks while we had dinner at Grand Lux Cafe. Doesn't my mom look awesome?

I made the coolest glasses out of Wiki Sticks while we had dinner at Grand Lux Cafe. Doesn’t my mom look awesome?

January 19 7:00 am: My mom told me that I couldn’t sleep over at my friend Shani and Ayla’s house until my book report was 100% done. This scared me so I got busy.

January 19 7:05 am: My mom went to the gym so I asked my dad for help understanding the instructions. He helped me for about 5 minutes and then went back to blasting the TV.

January 19 8:30 am: My mom came back and I showed her my progress. She sighed and told me that my book report was all wrong because my dad didn’t read the instructions properly. She helped me start all over. We cut and colored and glued for a long time and I suddenly felt bad that I was so mean to her.

January 19 9:30 am: I asked my mom if I could have a cookie. She shot me a look. I got back to work.

January 19 10:25 am: I finished my report and boy was I exhausted! I think my mom was too because she said she lost several years of her life. And my dad? Well my dad was completely unfazed and unaffected as usual.

When I grow up? I want to be him. He has the best life ever.

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79 Comments leave one →
  1. January 23, 2013 12:35 am

    Oh man, this is too much and I get the first comment! I don’t know where to start…..!!!!! Sweet Maya, you may want to be like your dad but it is quite clear that you are so much like your mom, which is awesome because she’s awesome. Any mom who helps her daughter with her report and does all the glue work and such is great. Glad you felt bad that you were so mean to her :). The text was funny, sorry your mom didn’t think so….and stop using bad language, for Pete’s Sake….:) Maya, this was a great guest post. I think the world of your mom and I have never even met her…no matter…she’s wonderful. Hope you all have a great week….. and get to work!!!!! Take great care,

    Shauna xoxoxo

    • January 23, 2013 6:54 pm

      Shauna…we will meet one day! I know it. We are too close not to. And thank you for the very thoughtful comment…as always! I appreciate every single one.

  2. January 23, 2013 1:23 am

    Master of procrastiation, eh? I think you could have put off writing this blog entry at least another few days, but I’ll let you keep that title:)

    • January 23, 2013 6:55 pm

      So funny…Maya could have procrastinated about writing about procrastination. Love it.

  3. January 23, 2013 3:57 am

    This made me chuckle and cry at the same time! Why do dads get to be super heroes? While we slog, shout, plead, bribe, threaten, and bargain within an inch of our lives for them to finish or rather start their homework. I have a 3 year old who doesn’t have the same academic challenges as Maya yet but to get him to clean up his toys, his books, pots and pans he brings in the living room ‘to help mummy cook’ is a tedious job.

    I kept wondering how other people do it-should I get self books? Rather I just follow your post! Please keep writing- I would be lost without you! THANK YOU!! In my eyes you are the superhero :)

    • January 23, 2013 6:56 pm

      My mom told me a long time ago that I was inevitably going to have to be the bad guy. Totally unfair but it seems to be the reality. Unfortunately.

      Thank you for the fabulous comment! I am far from a superhero but your comment makes me feel like a superstar. :)

  4. January 23, 2013 4:34 am

    What a brilliant post – you should write more often and believe me crowds will flock. I think your mum is loosing popularity and all the attention is now on you. One thing I like in your post is when you wrote “dad was completely unfazed and unaffected” this is exactly how I am. If there are people in the world who take life too serious then there are those who balance the equation by taking life as a ‘chill’.

    Relax – have a cookie and entertain us some more.

    • January 23, 2013 6:56 pm

      I’m losing popularity? So sad to hear that. :(

      And Maya had her fair share of cookies…I can assure you of that!!

  5. alittlelessfluff permalink
    January 23, 2013 5:12 am

    Oh Maya, I havent laughed that hard in a bit.
    You should really try not to give your mom a coronary. We like her a lot and need her around!

    Ps: you are a very pretty girl! You should thank your mom for that! ;)

    • January 23, 2013 6:57 pm

      You are unbelievably sweet with all the comments…thank you my friend!

  6. January 23, 2013 5:55 am

    This is too cute/funny :D

  7. January 23, 2013 6:30 am

    I want to grow up to be like a procrastinating, non-helper dad too. ;) And I am SO glad that we have not yet been assigned book reports, because I would be right there with you in the torture! The projects my eldest is assigned are bad enough…

    • January 23, 2013 6:57 pm

      Do they get worse than book reports? Please tell me that is not the case??

  8. January 23, 2013 6:37 am

    Ohhh my gah, this had me rolling! This is EXACTLY what happens when either of my kids has a project. I hate projects! I turn into a complete raving lunatic and my kids think I’m nuts and I don’t understand why the teachers insist on tormenting me? Also… you are a very talented writer, Miss. Perhaps you could give my procrastinating 9-year-old some pointers?

    • January 23, 2013 6:58 pm

      I hate projects too…and Maya is only in the 2nd grade. Does it get easier? Do they learn to be more independent with their homework? Please tell me this is the case Heather!

  9. January 23, 2013 7:12 am

    Maya, you are so pretty, just like your Mom and I love those glasses you made – wow!
    I’m sure you also promised to never procrastinate …….never ever, ever again – right? Oh! BTW, don’t tell her you forgot to turn in the report ………..don’t think she can handle that. Not today anyway!!

    • January 23, 2013 6:59 pm

      If she forgets to turn in her report I will just die. I’m not kidding. I will!!

      • January 27, 2013 7:30 am

        I mean… I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… Andrew is 12 and projects still make me crave a good stiff drink.

  10. January 23, 2013 7:35 am

    Oh man, this is so funny. Maya, you are hillarious as you are beautiful and adorable! Ameena, I think Maya has to guest-post more often. I feel your pain about book report, so you’re not alone … :-)

    • January 23, 2013 6:59 pm

      Sorry you share in my pain but it does make me feel better than I am not alone!

  11. hcoving permalink
    January 23, 2013 7:37 am

    Maya, you know how you feel when you misbehave and you get a consequence? Well, that is exactly how school projects feel for the parent. Like a punishment. One day when you are grown up, you will realize working with a small child on a project is like trying to herd a large group of cats and on that day when you figure this out, call you mom and tell her thanks.

    • January 23, 2013 7:00 pm

      “Trying to herd a large group of cats…” My gosh…I couldn’t have put it any better!

  12. January 23, 2013 7:40 am

    When you are done with blogging, please pass it down to Maya…she clearly takes after her mother’s flair for writing! I want Ali’s life too- it’s always nicer playing good cop ;)!

    • January 23, 2013 7:00 pm

      I wouldn’t know anything about playing a good cop because I never get to. :(

  13. January 23, 2013 8:28 am

    Made me laugh.out.loud.

  14. January 23, 2013 10:12 am

    Aww! This is so cute and awesome! I can’t wait for my son to old enough to be able to write out his processes. The minds these little ones have lol

    • January 23, 2013 7:01 pm

      Just to clarify Sumiko…I wrote the whole post myself. :) There is no way Maya could get past the first sentence!

  15. January 23, 2013 10:25 am

    Your mother is very undestanding. If it were me, I probably wouldn’t have helped after you forgot the instructions. Though it was kinda funny texting your mom about dinner.

    • January 23, 2013 7:01 pm

      I was tempted to throw in the towel after the instructions-debacle but my Type-A self just couldn’t let her fail.

      I realize I’m not doing her any favors….

  16. January 23, 2013 10:27 am

    One of my favorite posts ever. Why? Because I can so relate. I always help all 3 kids w/ homework and on the off day I ask Glenn, it’s futile. He’s just like Ali, he’ll help for a minute or two and then just walk away. No excuse, no care as to helping his child excel, just walk away to go do something important like watch football or take a nap. Love it, so funny. Also my kids say that Glenn’s the fun parent. Yeah tell me how fun it is when you’re on the street holding a sign for money!

    • January 23, 2013 7:02 pm

      So this times 3 kids? I wouldn’t survive. Seriously I think I’d have to hire a tutor or something (contemplating this anyway!). You are a star my friend. Truly.

  17. Taking On Magazines permalink
    January 23, 2013 10:35 am

    I have a huge smile plastered on my face. This is my life in mirror! We don’t have book reports yet, but all homework follows the same road. I love, love, love it.

    • January 23, 2013 7:03 pm

      Thanks Christianne for the kind words and for relating. Makes me feel 100 X better.

  18. January 23, 2013 10:45 am

    Oh my goodness Maya – you are just as adorable and quirky and smart as your Mom and I have no doubt you’ve got a ton of creativity from your Dad. You have such good parents and your mom is the wonderful because she helps you with your report and does all the gooey glue work and even though you fight, it won’t matter and you’ll never remember that years from now. What you will remember is that she was there! and your Dad and you played with nerf guns! So enjoy these moments and cherish them and your Mum and dad because they’re so worth it and so are you!!!!

    love, hugs & kisses :))

    Devaki @ weavethousandflavors

    • January 23, 2013 7:04 pm

      I fear, Devaki, that she’ll remember the Nerf guns and me yelling at her, and not much else. :) Hope that you are right and not me!

      Thanks for the thoughtful comment…loved reading it.

  19. January 23, 2013 11:05 am

    hahahaaaaaaaaa.. you are hilarious! Spoken on behalf of Maya.. well done. Men really do have the best life ever, especially if they are lucky enough to be with a woman who can handle it all. You’re amazing! I think I may need to hire a tutor, I hate reading.

    • January 23, 2013 7:04 pm

      I love reading but I do not love reading, “Junie B. Jones and Her Bad Day” or whatever it is. Trust me…the word tutor has come up more than once!

  20. January 23, 2013 11:36 am

    Oh my is it really you :). Thats adorable first of all ♥
    I think this is the best post I have read in ages.
    xoxo

  21. January 23, 2013 11:37 am

    Such a wise (and sassy) kid! Oh Maya, I hope you visit soon. You have so much to teach Little Man :)

    • January 23, 2013 7:05 pm

      Hopefully she’ll teach him only the good things!

  22. January 23, 2013 1:00 pm

    Awesome post Maya!
    And I know the feeling baby, I want to return as a ‘dad’ in my next life too…..preferably my daughter’s, with her dad as my wife…….never mind, mom will understand :-D

  23. January 23, 2013 7:19 pm

    Maya, you are hilarious!!! You need to help your mom out more often and write guest posts regularly. :) :)

  24. January 23, 2013 8:39 pm

    omggggosh,
    this was BRILLIANT & Hilareous….. Maya, you ROCKkkkkkk!!!

  25. January 24, 2013 4:49 am

    If Maya really wrote this, then I’m not sure Mom should be so worried about book reports! Great writing Maya! Very funny, love it!

    • January 24, 2013 7:12 pm

      Thanks Stacie…Maya wouldn’t get past the first sentence! I wrote the entire thing. :)

  26. January 24, 2013 4:51 am

    So, So Funny! Love the photo of you and Lynn! The straw glasses are pretty cool. Can you make me a pair…with real lenses?!

    • January 24, 2013 7:12 pm

      Maya is a talented one with the Wiki Sticks! Anything is possible.

  27. January 24, 2013 8:52 am

    Maya, next time you can enlist professional support for your book report on elance.com and leave your poor mom in peace. Just ask for a bigger allowance to cover the cost.

    • January 24, 2013 7:12 pm

      I love Elance…haven’t used it in a while. Brilliant reminder Andrea. :)

  28. January 24, 2013 9:31 am

    hahahahaha I love this so much. And the nerf gun thing sounds like something my dad would do. My mom always used to tell us not to encourage our father. There may have been dinner table sock wars too. So you know, it could be worse. :)

    • January 24, 2013 8:32 pm

      “…not to encourage our father.” This may just be my new slogan. So so funny.

  29. January 24, 2013 2:44 pm

    Maya you just made my Thursday fabulous. you take amazing sense of humor after your mom and love how you want to be like dad. You are just a perfect combination of your mom and dad. Please write regularly and maybe this way you can improve your book writing skills and decrease your mom’s chances of coronay :)

  30. nadia permalink
    January 24, 2013 3:36 pm

    oh maya jaan, you and shani have way too much in common!! i’m so glad you motivated and got to sleep over though! you are an awesome writer just like your mommy and can def give ayla and shani some tips on how to be witty and cute! i meant cute in your writing, you know you’re the cutest ever!! keep up the good work, we love you!!

    • January 24, 2013 8:33 pm

      We love you too! And thank you for being the reason that Maya got her book report done. Sleepovers at your house are her most favorite thing in the world. :)

  31. Kathi permalink
    January 24, 2013 6:11 pm

    love! :) thanks for sharing!

  32. January 25, 2013 7:38 am

    ameena, they have you figured out. Now what would they do if they came home to find you with the nerf gun and you served cookies for dinner, keep them guessing ha.

  33. January 26, 2013 4:34 pm

    Dear Maya: Hahaha!! Well the funny thing is, nothing seems to change in university either. I still procrastinate exactly the same way I used to when I was your age, and reports are always exhausting! I hear you girl ;) (Only your mum would be saved all the stress when you’re a college kid!)

  34. January 27, 2013 1:10 am

    chuckle – and that last line is the BEST LINE EVER. ;-)

  35. January 27, 2013 4:20 pm

    LOL too funny! Also, I need to try me some Bouchon Bakery :)

  36. January 27, 2013 11:09 pm

    I want to grow up to be like a dad also. In fact, I often feel like I need a wife. I actually do once in a while yell out loud, “I need a wife!” and even suggest to my husband that he should look into getting me a sister wife. Research shows that married men are a lot happier than their counterpart. But the same cannot be said of married women. Go figure.

  37. January 31, 2013 11:29 am

    Last line had me laugh out loud! Wonderful Book reporting Maya!

  38. February 3, 2013 5:14 am

    Oh my! when I see kids like this, I have hope!!!! Such a lovely post!

    • February 3, 2013 8:03 am

      Thanks my friend! Great to read your comments. As always!

  39. February 25, 2013 5:59 pm

    Oh my “When I grow up? I want to be him. He has the best life ever.” …this was the best line :)

  40. February 4, 2014 4:23 am

    Wonderful, what a weblog it is! This website gives helpful
    information to us, keep it up.

  41. March 7, 2014 12:06 pm

    Please let me know if you’re looking for a writer for
    your blog. You have some really great posts and I think I would be a good
    asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely
    love to write some material for your blog in exchange for a link
    back to mine. Please blast me an email if interested.
    Cheers!

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